KUNG FU
TOP TEN LISTS

January 1994 to September 1995

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Here's a few lists, mostly written in 1994 on Kung Fu: The Legend Continues and its 1970s predecessor. We really love both these shows, but have difficulty taking them seriously.

Top Ten Differences Between Kung Fu and Kung Fu: The Legend Continues
10) Nobody calls him Grasshopper anymore
9) Flashbacks not as often, not as elaborate
8) Pony tails now in fashion
7) Son gets sixty percent of love interests
6) People getting shot left and right
5) Caine dispensing condoms with oriental wisdom
4) Can't just leave town and tell people "You must solve your own problems" when things get rough
3) Can now program a VCR
2) Master Po spinning in his grave
And the number one difference between Kung Fu and Kung Fu:
The Legend Continues
1) No need for slow-mo anymore

"The ancient ways carry purpose and may not be forborn." Master Kan -- "Blood Brother"

Top Ten Games Played in the Shaolin Temple
10) Walk the rice paper
9) Rock skipping in the Lily Pond
8) Master Po Says
7) Pretending they're doing a Sting video
6) Throwing stars
5) Rocks, Scissors, Paper
4) Chinese checkers
3) Snatch the Pebble
2) Blind Man's Bluff
And the number one game played at the Shaolin Temple:
1) Grasshopper baiting

"Is it not silly to play a children's game?" Caine -- Sun and Cloud Shadow

Top Ten Things That Get Kwai Chang Caine in Trouble When He Comes to a New Town (old version)
10) Defending the downtrodden
9) Asking for water in a Saloon
8) Trying to have philosophical discussions with guys who haven't learned the alphabet yet
7) Sheriff having a bad day
6) Orphans
5) Having one of those flashbacks at the wrong time
4) Things in town have been tense, mighty tense
3) A pretty girl
2) Dress code
And the number one thing that gets Kwai Chang Caine in Trouble when he comes to a new town:
1) That darned "wanted" poster

"I seek water." David Carradine -- Saturday Night Live

Top Ten Stupid Things Big Dumb White Guys Would Say to Caine Before He Kicked Their Butts
10) "He's just a skinny little china man."
9) "If I say you drink whiskey, you drink it."
8) "I can whup him easy, Pa."
7) "I'm gonna break you in two."
6) "I don't need a gun to take care of him."
5) "You just bought a whole heap of trouble, Chinee."
4) "You're worth ten thousand dollars... alive."
3) "Let's see what's in the pouch."
2) "Yo Mama."
And the number one stupid thing big dumb white guys would say to Caine:
1) "I'm gonna make chop suey outta you."

"I do not wish to fight you." Caine -- The Well

Top Ten Reasons We Will Continue to Post Top Ten Lists About MacGyver and Kung Fu, and Whatever Other Shows Strike Our Fancy, to the Rec Arts TV Newsgroup
10) Mac: a fine looking fellow
9) Master Po: a real comedian
8) Haven't done "Mac's top ten embarrasing moments" yet
7) Can't take eyes away from Kung Fu: The Legend Continues: kind of like a bad road accident. Screams for top ten lists
6) Wednesday night set aside for writing Top Ten Lists; hate to disturb the routine
5) Haven't even done a top ten list for Jack Dalton yet
4) Haven't done "Top Ten Reasons Kwai Chang's Brother was avoiding him" list yet
3) Really like "MacGyver"
2) Really like "Kung Fu" (the original. Still not sure about this New Age Kung Fu.)
And the number one reason we will continue to post top ten lists:
1) Hoping it will annoy one of those fellows who like to denigrate the shows we enjoy.

"This is the thanks I get for cutting my friends in on a golden opportunity. Imagine my chagrin." Jack Dalton --" Unfinished Business

Top Ten Recommended Ways to Watch Kung Fu: The Legend Continues:
10) Drunk or Stoned
9) Toronto "guide to sights" book in hand
8) With your mind open to new ideas and goofy experiences
7) Lotus position
6) Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand method
5) Keep repeating to yourself "it's only a dream, it's only a dream"
4) Turn the sound off and make up the words
3) Pass up your daily dose of Thorazine
2) Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand alternate method (Replacing Joel and the 'Bots with, Original Caine, Master Po and Master Kan)
And the number one recommended way to watch Kung Fu: The Legend Continues:
1) Forget everything Caine ever said in the original series

"Anything is possible, if you can percieve the way." Kwai Chang Caine (1994 version) -- The Possessed

Top Ten Career Choices Peter Caine Rejected
10) "I'm a Doctor. That's who I am. That's what I do."
9) "I'm a farmhand. That's who I am. That's what I do."
8) "I'm a plumber. That's who I am. That's what I do."
7) "I'm a botanist. That's who I am. That's what I do."
6) "I'm a village idiot. That's who I am. That's what I do."
5) "I'm an attorney. That's what I practice, i.e., to wit, ergo, in lieu. Pending litigation."
4) "I'm a sanitation engineer. That's who I am. That's what I do.
3) "I'm a quantum physicist. That's who I am. That's what I do."
2) "I'm a hairdresser. That's who I am. That's what I do.
And the number one career choice Peter Caine rejected:
1) "I'm a Shaolin priest. That's who I have been, am, and will be."

"I'm a cop. That's who I am. That's what I do." Peter Caine
-- Kung Fu: The Legend Continues

09/15/95
Top Ten Reasons Peter Caine and Nick Knight Have Never Met Despite Both Being Cops in Toronto
10) Different precincts
9) Not enough room for all those flashbacks
8) The Shaolin-trained aren't partial to the Raven's psychic atmosphere
7) Being Schanke's partner has resulted in Nick being a veritable social outcast
6) Peter busy with the girl-of-the-week
5) Colliding philosophical universes
4) They prefer to use different Medical Examiners
3) Both Nick and Peter absolutely refuse to go to the annual policeman's ball
2) Wouldn't want to see them get LaCroix and Kwai Chang together, would we?
And the number one reason Peter Caine and Nick Knight have never met despite both being cops in Toronto:
1) That Day Shift/Night Shift problem

 

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The above lists were written by Teresa and Tracy Murray
and, believe it or not, we are damn proud of it.
So, should you in anyway disseminate the contents,
we would appreciate it if you would mention our names.

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