Top Ten Reasons Not To Date Sarah Webber
10) Insists on playing that same song over and over and over
9) Takes being blonde seriously
8) Fifty/fifty chance you're actually related to her
7) Audrey wants to know all the details
6) Thinks foreplay is a golf term
5) Insists on putting in her classical CDs when you're in the
4) Typical dinner conversation; "Are you going to eat your fries?
Nickolas always let me have his."
3) She's always picking up viruses from those kids at the Hospital
2) Favorite Date Activity - Flossing
And the number one reason not to date Sarah Webber:
1) Doesn't even blink when you wave your hand in front of her
"You won't even notice I'm gone." -- Lucky Spencer
March 21st 1998
Top Ten Signs Stefan is losing interest in Katherine
10) Having secret tunnel to guesthouse filled in
9) No longer sentimental about the blood stain on the tree
8) After moaning "Lasha" in a passionate moment tells Kathy
it means Darling in Russian
7) No longer claims he can "grow to love" the smell of fried
6) Order for that crystal wheelchair pendant put on hold
5) Huge portrait of Laura in the basement; blurry photo of Katherine
stuck to refrigerator with magnet
4) Regulary forgets to fill her food and water dishes
3) Winces everytime she begins a sentence with "If you want
to know what I think..."
2) Extra careful about birth control
And the number one sign Stefan is losing interest in Katherine
1) Sometimes wishes she was his sister
"I don't remember my dreams." -- Stefan Cassadine
March 25th 1998
Top Ten Questions on a Kidnapping Quiz
10)You're taking your baby out for a stroll. Do you...
A. Have Grandma Maria watch it?
B. Resent it taking so much attention away from you?
C. Pick a new wall paper?
D. Ask "Hazelnut" to tag along?
9) Your baby has just been kidnapped. Do you...
A. Suspect your latest stalker?
B. Go shopping?
C. Look under the couch?
D. Call the police?
8) Your distraught daughter calls to say your grandson has been
kidnapped. Do you...
A. Call the WSB?
B. Tell her you're too busy to deal with it right now?
C. Rip into her at the first opportunity?
D. Be supportive. Bring Cookies?
7) Your "son" has been kidnapped, and you're pretty sure it's
that crazy Doctor-guy. Do you...
A. Question your crazy family?
B. Start a gang war?
C. Listen to your silly attorney and ignore your instincts?
D. Torture the Doctor till he tells all?
6) You want to help find your kinapped great-grandson. Do you...
A. Start checking under the rest of the furniture
B. Plot to kidnap him yourself as soon as they find him
C. Offer five million dollars on TV and wait for the calls to
D. Cooperate fully with the authorities
5) You've just discovered evidence that a suspect in a kidnapping
case is guilty. Do you ...
A. Inform the Canadian Mounties?
B. Dither like an idiot?
C. Keep it a secret. Handle it yourself?
D. Inform the parents and local police?
4) You've been kidnapped by a mad Doctor. Do you...
A. Stab him twelve times?
B. Ask him for sweet rolls?
C. Ask him politely if you can leave?
D. Wait until the Doctor's gone and construct a bomb out of
window Cleaner, baby formula and talcum powder?
3) You've just kidnapped your second person in as many weeks.
A. Think it might be becoming a bad habit?
B. Kidnap three more and have a basketball team or kidnap seven
more and have a baseball team?
C. Have a birthday party?
D. Get out of town pronto?
2) You're a cop. There have been a rash of kidnappings in your
city. Do you...
A. Let Mac handle it?
B. Scratch your head and stand around looking gorgeous?
C. Let the local Mob boss handle it; follow him around?
D. Arrest psychoDoctor who just shaved his head?
And the number one question on the kidnapping quiz:
1) You're a member of the television audience watching yet another
baby kidnapping. Do you...
A. Check and make sure your own kids are still there?
B. Switch to Days of Our Lives?
C. Argue over the details, like Quartermaines at stockholders
D. Write a stupid Quiz?
no, Michael is missing?" -- Dr. Tony Jones
March 30th 1998
Top Ten Reasons It's Difficult To Be Tony
10) Just can't find a hairstyle that works
9) Unable to make any decision in under five weeks
8) Bobbie was always ticked off about how perfect you were.
Now she's ticked off cause you're not. Can't win
7) No matter how hard you try you end up sleeping with a relative
6) Texas accent with no explanation
4) Never as good looking or popular as Frisco
3) Doing brain surgery is well... it's brain surgery
2) No longer Lucy's favorite ex-husband
And the number one reason it's difficult to be Tony
1) You have a brain tumor
"Here's some aspirin for you." -- Dr. Tony Jones
May 1st 1998
Top Ten Suggestions For The Nurses' Ball
10) Two parter, no unnecessary story
9) Alan sings the theme to Valley of the Dolls
8) This year's sponsor Helena Cassadine (Does steamy tango with
7) Very special guest singing star - Tom Jones
6) Free autographed copy of "General Homicide" (along with your
odds of being murdered) at every table
5) Katherine, bad case of hoof and mouth, can't make it
4) Very, very special guest appearance of Sonny Corinthos, singing,
"I Enjoy Being a Girl"
3) Chippendale routine by Chris Ramsey, Frank and Joe Scanlon,
Jake Marshak, Matt Harmon and very, very, very special guest
Dr. Kevin Collins
2) This year's entree... Corn Dogs
And the number one suggestion for the Nurses' Ball:
1) Another arrest for Officer Rick
"Can't let the corny dogs go to waste." -- Scott
May 1st 1998
Top Ten Possible Reasons Helena Helped Tony
10) Collecting Bobbie's ex-husbands
9) Enchanted by his singing
8) Planning to use him as an anchor weight
7) To drive a wedge between Ned and Alexis
6) Never knows when she'll need a neurosurgeon
5) Wants to nurture his psychotic tendencies
4) Determined Justus shall have no love life
3) Tony is actually her illegitimate son
2) Kidnapping is her second favorite crime
And the number one possible reason Helena helped Tony:
1) So he could be her looooovvvve slave
"Well, get ready to rumble." -- Tony Jones
June 21st 1998
Jerry's Top Ten Tips for Getting a Girl Interested
10) Don't tell them you're the other Jax brother until after
you pick them up
9) Display dubious rapport with children
8) Get yourself beat up by Mobsters
7) Stay off screen for two years
6) Mumble so they can't understand you, they'll think it's mysterious
5) Rescue them from imminent danger
4) Let them rescue you from imminent danger
3) Sleep with them and then introduce yourself
2) Brush up on witty repartee
And Jerry's number one tip for getting a girl interested:
1) Play hard to get
"She's crawzy abouht mae." -- Jerry Jax
June 21st 1998
Jason's Top Ten Tips for a Good Relationship
10) Make sure they never find out anything about your illegal
marshmellow peep importing
9) Let her do anything she wants unless it interferes with relationship
8) Send them shopping
7) Keep Rinaldo within earshot
6) Insist on being annoyingly literal
5) Let her do all the talking
4) Take lots of trips out of the country
3) Tell everybody you don't know how to lie
2) Dress sharp
And Jason's number one tip for a good relationship:
1) Nobody cooks
"Jason has something Jimmy Hoffa didn't have." -- Robin
June 21st 1998
Top Ten Things Jason Has That Jimmy Hoffa Didn't
10) Disposable diapers
9) ELQ Stock
8) "That would be Rinaldo"
7) No influence with judges
6) A VCR and 500 channels on his cable
4) A Cappuccino Machine
3) A warehouse full of peeps
And the number one thing Jason has that Jimmy Hoffa didn't:
1) One girlfriend too many
"Figure it out." -- Robin
Taggert's Top Ten Dating Tips
10) Don't spit (while she's lookin')
9) Keep your weapon handy (with the safety on)
8) Take her to some place in a rough neighborhood so she won't
7) Get her drunk (Soda for you, beer for her)
6) Be flexible about the games you'll play
5) Talk about Sonny a lot; it'll make her jealous
4) Pull out the reliable old sob story
3) Find a reason to take your shirt off
2) Tell her you're a diamond in the rough
And Taggert's number one dating tip:
1) Go Dutch
"Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera..." -- The King of Siam
Top Ten Reasons The Port Charles Authorities Have Never Gotten
10) Garcia insists on interrogating only pretty young ladies
9) Mac has to drop all police matters to deal with Robin's personal
8) Dara going for the all time non-conviction record
7) D.A. Schultz never recovered from Sigmund's appearance as
a hostile witness
6) Taggert completely unable to refrain from witty caustic remarks,
no matter how many times they threaten to suspend him
5) V's sparkling personality distracting the rest of the police
4) Officer Johnson is having a bad lifetime
3) Mac not really sure what the difference is between being
a Police Commissioner and tending bar
2) Brain-damaged mob boss, Jason, is more than a match for the
lot of them
And the number one reason the Port Charles authorities have
never gotten a conviction:
1) They keep arresting themselves
"Commissioner Scorpio is busy right now." -- V
Top Ten Reasons Katherine is upset with Stefan
10) First thing he did was get rid of the tacky vase she put
over the fireplace
9) Already rented out the cottage
8) The minute she's "dead" he welcomes Alexis back with open
7) No shrine erected to her
6) Knows she was only ever a pale substitute for Lasha in his
5) He didn't give a nude portrait of her to Luke to hang over
the mantelpiece at the club
4) He was so stupid he didn't even guess that she had the fancy
"Romeo/Juliet" drug, even though all the fans did
3) He never did give her one of those cute Cassadine medallions
2) Helena's been feeding her; that's where her loyalties lie
And the number one reason Katherine is upset with Stefan:
1) He kept imagining her as a cheesy ghost urging him to boff
September 14th 1998
Reginald's Top Ten Fantasies About Katherine
10) She dies of distemper
9) Her fortune is rightfully confiscated by the IRS
8) Tracy, light of his life, returns and makes mincemeat out
of the blonde bimbo
7) Ken Starr supeonas her
6) Katherine sneaks into the Kitchen and Cook catches her microwaving
nachos and whips out the butcher knife
5) He loosens all the railings in the East Wing
4) Alan mistakes her for a big pill
3) She is kidnapped by Aliens who give her a nasal probe, then
sell her to interstellar slave traders, who transport her to
a planet where fasting is enforced every third day, and no one
has ever heard of a buffet, and she is forced to watch the broadcast
now being received of Lucy Coe hosting the first three Nurses'
Balls. She escapes only to starve to death on a shuttlecraft
because she can't figure out how to operate the replicator.
And the audience doesn't have to watch any of it.
2) Drowns in the jacuzzi when she goes down to examine the scratch
and sniff sticker Reginald placed there
And Reginald's number one Fantasy about Katherine:
1) This time he get's the dosages right
"Maybe she'll never return." -- Reginald
September 18th 1998
Top Ten Reasons We'll Really Miss Brenda
10) Tedious search for another Genie girl
9) Now Ned has no friends
8) We'll never know if she tested positive or not
7) No more L&B in L&B just R
6) Really wanted to see her master the Toaster
5) The Fashion Barometer is now missing from our lives
4) Now we're in flashback hell
3) Kevin will never have a chance to do her portrait
2) Intelligence in Port Charles measured on a curve
And the number one reason we'll miss Brenda:
1) She's shooting the hell out of Jax' "nobody leaves" theory
"When Brenda made a choice she stuck to it." -- Bobbie Spencer
(The other sound you heard was us roaring with laughter)
October 1st 1998
Top Ten Things Carly Will Do When She Gets Back To Town
10) Appreciate the irony of her mother choosing a guy she approved
9) Make sure Uncle Luke isn't lurking in the closet
8) Find out what's in fashion at Wal-Mart
7) Wash all the Robin cooties off of Michael
6) Ream Jason for not taping Sunset Beach like she asked
5) Kick Katherine out of the East Wing and move into the Q mansion.
(Reggie will help with the bags.)
4) See which billionaires are now available
3) Check into GH with conniption fits
2) Go to the cafeteria for a really good Corn Dog
And the number one thing Carly's going to do when she gets back
"I promised Carly I wouldn't let Michael forget her." -- Jason
January 24th 1999
Top Ten Things Which Have Changed While Sonny was Away
10) Luke's club is totally dead
9) Jason is now a very accomplished liar
8) Very distant sounds of Docks Construction Project as Sonny
gazes wistfully out over the water
7) Volunteer brain-surgeons at GH
5) Taggert and Garcia have grown closer; no room for Sonny anymore
4) Corn Dog shortage
3) Cute little Leticia now in the room next to his
2) Mike: the only legitimate business man in Port Charles
And the number one thing which has changed while Sonny was away:
1) Brenda now omni-present
"You killed Brenda." -- Sonny (to Jax and no such luck, by the
June 27th 2000
Reasons Why Stefan's Plans Never Work
10) Can't count on minions to not get killed at critical junctures
9) Raised Nickolas to be honest
8) Doesn't really want them to succeed, much more fun when they
7) Luke marginally smarter than he is
6) Ancient Greco/Russian curse on the Cassadine family
5) One sad-eyed look from Laura and he melts like butter
4) Forgets to say, "Mother, May I"
3) Rocks and dirt lots smarter than he is
2) They make tax forms look simple
And the number one reason Stefan's plans never work:
1) Lack of Government funding
"Will all my problems be over? No, not quite all." -- Stefan
July 5th 2000
Ways To Tell That Nickolas is Really a Cassadine
10) Prefers to wear black
9) Won't eat the hospital cafeteria corn dogs
8) Spells Mayor with a U
7) Bleeds like a Romanov
6) Gets very attached to pieces of Art
5) Eyes glaze over when you mention the superbowl
4) Working himself into a state of chronic unrequited love
3) Insists on tipping the Police Commissioner
2) Completey over Katherine Bell
And the number one way to tell that Nickolas is really a Cassadine:
1) First place he thinks to hide the body: The Freezer.
"Do you have any other plan?" -- Lucky
July 31st 2000
Top Ten Things That Confuse Lucky
10) Why his mother didn't give Nickolas an "L" name
9) How Mac qualified to be Police Commissioner
8) Helena's knight to king's three gambit
7) He tells Liz they're over and she thinks they're over
6) Emily acting like a Quartermaine covering up a murder is
a new thing
5) Multiple choice questions on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"
4) New menu at Kelly's
3) He tells Liz to find somebody else and she finds somebody
2) Spiffy choker necklace doesn't seem to be catching on with
And the number one thing that confuses Lucky:
1) Blonde jokes just aren't funny anymore
"You're really upset about this, aren't you?" -- Nickolas
Top Ten Things on Hannah's Christmas Wish List
10) Taggert in nothing but a Christmas stocking
9) Mud-wrestling match with Carly
8) Gia goes to Columbia
7) A.J. in an elf outfit
6) Being forewarned when Renegade FBI Agents are after her
5) Dara's job
4) To be the new model for Deception
2) No... Taggert
And Hannah's number one Christmas Wish:
1) Her very own personality
Top Ten Things on Stefan's Christmas Wish List
10) Months worth of dust removed from Windemere knick knacks
9) Servants who understand what he means when he says, "Look
for us, but don't find us."
8) White chocolate
7) No reminders of Katherine
6) Mother, stuffed and hidden in the cellar
5) No reminders of that awful "Christmas with Bobbie" either
4) His very own vapid, easy-to-manipulate blonde
3) Nicholas crowned first King of the United States
2) Christmas card from Luke
And the number one thing on Stefan's Christmas Wish List
1) A White Christmas... of course
Top Ten Things on Mac's Christmas Wish List
10) A George Foreman Grill
9) Robin calls to say she has her doctorate from Yale and her
certificate from Cordon Bleu
8) Catching Officer Johnson under the mistletoe at the station
7) Luke arrested and convicted of prostitution
6) Someboy telling him he's the most exciting guy they've ever
5) Taggert respectful
4) Clear shot at the reindeer
3) Since he went over to Kevin's for Christmas Eve, Kevin agrees
to come over Christmas day and play dress up as Norma and Eve
2) Sonny confesses to being Luke's pimp
And the number one thing on Mac's Christmas Wish List:
1) Felicia revealed to be an evil clone
Sonny's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Give up oily hair tonic
9) Nominate Mike for "Father of the Year" with heartwarming
8) Hire a faster Chauffeur
7) Test smoke alarms in case Carly tries to cook again
6) Take care of that darn Carlos for good
5) Perform at 2001 Nurses' Ball
4) Make sure Michael's pre-school Teachers understand an F can
mean cement overshoes
3) Donate a few more wings to the Hospital: name them after
the three stooges
2) Valiantly overcome (blindness...deafness..paralyzation...amnesia)
whatever handicap he's stuck with
And Sonny's number one New Year's resolution:
nyuck, nyuck." -- Carly Corinthos
Taggert's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
10) Make sure Garcia doesn't cut him out of any more good cases
9) Change name to Johnny Bravo and apply for a record contract
8) Set aside personal feelings and actually solve a case for
7) Get night degree in nuerosurgery to impress Mom
6) Talk Gia out of committing anymore felonies
5) Put in application for Police Commissioner job
4) Beat up little dweebs who try to steal his girlfriend
3) And find a girlfriend who doesn't like little dweebs
2) Explain coffee-maker to Mac... again
And Taggert's number one New Year's Resolution:
1) Tell Sonny how he really feels
"Sonny, Sonny, Sonny, Sonny" -- Taggert