October 12th 1994
I've been laying low since Katy's mishap. You know how these situations always turn out. Somebody has to say, "The Butler did it." Hopefully we were now past this stage. Though my heart did skip a few beats when I answered the door and found Police Commissioner Sean Donely standing there. Was he finally getting around to taking the statement I'd had prepared for over a week? But no, Sean was not interested in actually investigating the crime yet.

That's right, he didn't want to examine the pitcher the martinis were in; he didn't want to go have a look at the prescription bottles or ask who might have had access to them; he didn't want to talk to cook about the canapes; and generally showed a complete lack of curiosity about Katy's accident. He wanted to go bother a Quartermaine. Fine; I announced him to Alan in the parlor.

"Commissoner Donely, sir," I said.

"Sean, I've been expecting you," Dr. Alan Quartermaine greeted him. Allow me to translate this conversation for you, as, of course, no one was really saying what they meant as long as I was in the room. Like I don't know everything that's going on already. Anyway "Sean, I've been expecting you" means "About time Flat Foot."

"Yeah, I know. I seem to be in and out of here with amazing regularity, don't I?" Sean said. Translation: I can't find my way home.

I tried to lurk inconspicously and walked towards the window.

"First my father, then Ned, then my wife. I was beginning to feel a little left out." Alan said. Translation: Finally! We're alone.

"Unfortunately there seems to be plenty to go around." said Sean. Murders, he meant murders.

"Did you have a nice meeting with Monica?" asked Alan. Translation: Were you trying to feel her up?

"It was enlightening," Sean said. Translation: Yeah, there are still a few sparks there.

"Take a little stroll down memory lane?" said Alan. Translation: Did you reminisce about your tawdry little affair?

"Oh there's no reason to do that, Alan. [T: I can't remember back that far.] The present is so much more intriguing. [T: I have enough trouble filling up ice cube trays.]" Sean chuckled "You know, it blows me away how your family has managed to end up smack dab in the middle of so many police investigations. [T: The paper work is a living hell.]"

"It's a talent." Alan said. He meant that.

"Hmmmm... You know, Alan, I've seen a lot of things in my various careers, [T: I've seen your wife naked.] but rarely have I seen so many suspects living under the same roof. [T: You people are weird.]"

Now on the subject of the family insanity epidemic, Alan decided it would be discreet to dismiss me; just when it was getting interesting. Oh, well, I could listen at the door like usual. Alan walked over to me. "Reginald, thank you. We have everything we need." [T: I can't remember exactly how much you were privy to; leave the room while I talk about Ray Conway.]

I nodded and put my hands in my pockets. "Of course, Dr. Quartermaine." [T: If you want to pretend I don't know that works for me.]

Alan followed me to the door and shut it behind me.

There's no need of translation for the following encounter as Mrs. Quartermaine and I have an honest and open relationship.

Lila was by the sofa when I entered the room. "Is there uh... anything I can do for you Mrs. Quartermaine?" I asked. She looked like she needed a lot more than just a strong Bloody Mary.

"Oh, Reginald, sit down with me, please." She gestured gracefully to the couch. Oh, golly, and it wasn't even my birthday.

I love Lila dearly, but the role of confidant is not the safest position in the Quartermaine family, so I suggested an alternative. "Maybe I should go fetch Annabelle. You know, I read somewhere that pets have a therapeutic effect on their masters." Apparently so did I.

"No, dear, Annabelle is an extremely sensitive and empathetic animal. I wouldn't want to upset the poor dear," said Lila. I wondered if we were talking about the same animal that had eaten Jason's sweat socks early that day.

"You're still distressed over Miss Bell's unfortunate accident?" I guessed. It could be any number of murders..err.. or attempted murders, or coverups or....

"Oh, if that weren't enough, now I find out that Edward's being interrogated about a murder that took place twenty years ago." Well, I'm clean on that one. "How much more am I expected to take." Lila was becoming increasingly distraught.

"Oh, Mrs. Quartermaine, please, um... I'm sure everthing is going to work itself out." I said. It sounded lame to me too.

"Oh, I hope so, Reginald. I hope so" Lila put her hand to her forehead. I went over and hugged her. "I hope so." she continued, sobbing. In vain, I tried to comfort her. I never wanted to see Lila in so much pain and would certainly never do anything to cause it.

October 14th 1994
Another exciting morning at the Quartermaines. Oh, boy, an ELQ stockholders meeting! I love getting up early for those.

I prepared the coffee and carried it to the parlor. As soon as I walked through the door, Edward snagged a coffee cup and poured himself some java before I could even get across the room to set down the tray.

I nodded to Mrs. Quartermaine, who already had a cup of tea that I'd brought in a half hour earlier. I set the tray down and began to organize the contents for maximum serving efficiency.

As I was folding a napkin, Lila spoke to her husband. "Edward, how can I induce you to take a nap after the meeting? I know you were awake for most of the night."

Edward approached me and I lifted the silver coffee pot in indication that I was ready to pour more if he wanted it. He held up a hand to forestall me. "If you know, then that means you were too," Edward said to Lila. He handed me the empty cup to place aside.

"Of course, I was," said Lila. "And I'm nearly beside myself over this whole dreadful business about Bradley Ward and the idea that somebody in our family attempted to murder Katherine right under our very roof."

"Now, Lila, just stop and compose yourself. We'll get through this like we always do. One disaster at a time," said Edward. Gee, I thought, where'd he learn to count.

"No, disasters please!" Ned said as he entered. "Where is everybody? I want to do this painlessly and quickly for a change." I poured Ned a cup of coffee. He accepted it without even looking at me. My, I thought, aren't they trusting. Someone was poisoned in this very room not more than a week ago. I could easily have been responsible, and the only person who could know for sure I wasn't was the actual criminal.

Alan entered. "I'm with you, Ned. These family meetings are getting to be very tedious." Yeah, I thought, Alan. Despite their feeble attempts to hide it I knew he had a history and a temper. Didn't he once scold me severely just for not having tea ready on time?

A.J. was close on his father's heels and went to stand behind Lila, for protection, no doubt. "Well, at least we finally have a good reason for this one. I'd say regaining Damian's shares of ELQ stock certainly qualifies as a red letter day." A.J.... Perhaps he had tried to kill Katherine. He does after all have the morals of a jackal.

"Where's Monica?" Ned asked. Ned....there was a real good possibility. Had one wife too many and it was obvious which one had to go.

"She's lying down. I have her proxy," Alan said, halfway pulling it out of his pocket.

"Good. Then let's get started, shall we?" Ned suggested.

"Lucy's not here," Alan pointed out.

At this point I sensed Lucy's presence. She was on the grounds.

"Oh, I keep forgetting about her," Ned said callously.

"Well, try harder. Maybe she'll disappear," Alan replied rudely.

I started across the room. All sorts of speculations were running through my mind now and some of them weren't even about Lucy. If the would be murderer had poisoned Katy using the martinis then that person would have to be sure that no one else would be drinking the same brew. Edward had been the only other person to have a martini. Did he have a cast iron stomach? Or did he poison the pitcher after he had taken his martini? I recalled clearly how he had urged Katy to have a drink; unusually hospitable of him under the circumstances.

"Wait a second, wait a minute. What about Katherine?" A.J. was saying as I walked into the foyer. Yes, what about Katherine, I thought. She really hated this family and she was, lets face it, dumber'n dirt. What if she had poisoned herself trying to implicate one of the Qs. Maybe she had gotten the dosage wrong or forgot she took it by the time she went trouncing up the stairs. A.J. finished. "I mean last time I checked her five tenths of a percent was still comatose." Good old, A.J.; such a way with words.

"I'd still like for whoever's responsible for that to make himself known." I heard Edward from the other room.

I opened the door before Lucy had a chance to ring the bell. "Good morning, Miss Lucy. Can I announce you?"

"No thanks, Reg. I can manage." She started towards the parlor and looked back at me. "Nice haircut."

She noticed, I thought, ecstatically.

"Oh, please, Grandfather." Ned was saying in the other room. "I did not poison the woman. In answer to your question, A.J., we have a quorum. That's enough. I'd suggest some night classes in Business 101. Where is Lucy?" Ned shouted.

Lucy swept into the room on cue. "Here I am! Please do not applaud just throw all your money."

"Hail the conquering heroine. God help us, how do we get these people in our lives," said Alan loudly. Seeing as how they had degenerated to such comments already, I didn't hold out much hope for the rest of the meeting being very entertaining. Maybe I'd go to my room and mull over, quietly, the possibilities in the "Case of the Comatose Coquette".

October 17th 1994
I came into the parlor and noticed that Edward had not eaten his lunch. "Mr. Edward didn't enjoy his lunch?" I asked, employing the third person. It had taken me nearly two years to get the trick of that.

"No. No, I'm not hungry, Reginald," Edward said irritably.

"May I get you something else?" I offered

"No. You may take it away," Edward ordered.

"Edward you must eat," Lila reprimanded him

I began to gather up the uneaten meal back on to the tray.

"Darling, please stop worrying about me," said Edward.

"But I am worried. You were up half the night," Lila pointed out.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you," Edward said contritely.

"That's not the point. After all these years I know instinctively when you're having trouble sleeping. And you didn't eat breakfast and now lunch," Lila said.

"Perhaps cook can prepare you something more to your liking," I put in to support Lila.

"Right now I want people to stop being concerned with my nutritional needs," Edward snapped. Fine, I thought, twinkies it is. "Now you can clear that away." Edward said and then more gently, "And apologize to cook for me."

"I certainly understand why you're restless, Edward. I'm distressed over Katherine myself," Lila empathized.

"Any word on her condition?" Edward asked without real concern.

"Well, I called the hospital this morning. She's stable, but there's still no change," said Lila "There should have been some progress by now, wouldn't you think."

"Mmm hmm." Edward said, preoccuopied.

Lila correctly guessed that Katy wasn't the first thing on his mind. "Then of course you're fretting over that terrible Bradley Ward murder. It's all such a horrible mess."

Ned entered the room abruptly as I was carrying the tray towards the door. "Reginald, Katherine's new car has been in the garage since she was hospitalized. Who has the keys?"

"Uh, they're on the board. Top row on the left," I told him. I'd been taking it out for an occasional spin. A red sports car really impresses the babes.

"Wonderful, Tell cook I won't be in for dinner," Ned instructed me.

"Uh, huh," I acknowledged. With all this lack of appetite, I could just about be sure that Cook would prepare a buffet style meal this evening.

As I left the room I heard Lila ask her grandson, "Ned, Ned, Before you run off I'd like an explanation."

"Regarding?" Ned asked. Indeed, there could be so many things. I carried the tray back to the kitchen.

A little later I let Luke Spencer into the house. He makes me uncomfortable, perhaps it's the demented smile, or the way he refuses to allow me to announce him, or his fascination with firearms. In any case I limited our interaction to letting him in and then ten minutes later, after he had spoken to Mr. and Mrs. Quartermaine, letting him out again.

October 19th 1994
Our first visitor today was Nurse Bobbie Jones. Not for the first time I wondered why she wore her skirt so ridiclously short. Wouldn't it be inconvenient at work. I shrugged away the speculation.

"Good morning, I'd like to see Monica," she said pertly. Morning person, I thought sourly.

"I'll see if she's receiving," I said, and left Bobbie waiting in the foyer. As I climbed the stairs the uncharitable thought crossed my mind that Monica had as much motive as anyone else to have posioned Katherine. To protect her husband, cover up his crime, what lengths would she go to?

I knocked on Monica's bedroom door which was part way open.

"Yes," she called.

"It's Reginald, ma'am," I said walking a few feet into the bedroom. "Mrs. Jones is here to see you."

"No, no, I can't..." her voice came weakly. "No, wait a minute, Reginald. Tell her I, uh...tell her to come on up, it's okay." I felt guilty for having suspected Monica. What she was going through would surely have placed Katherine and her silly threats in their proper perspective. Besides, she and Alan hadn't arrive home from the hospital until moments before Katherine had entered.

I went back downstairs and found Bobbie in the parlor though I had left her in the foyer. She was talking to Lila and Ned.

"Dr. Quartermaine will see you, Mrs. Jones," I told her.

"Thank you, Reginald," she said to me and then turned back to Lila. "Well, I'll have to come back soon so that you and I can have a real visit."

"I'd like that very much," Lila replied politely as I withdrew from the room.

Shortly thereafter the door bell rang. It looked as if this would be a busy day. Sean Donely, again! I'm begining to be a little disappointed and somewhat insulted, that he's not the least bit interested in questioning me. If I (or anyone else for that matter) had attempted to kill Katherine there would have been plenty of time to cover up the evidence and even skip town.

"I'd like to see Mrs. Quartermaine," he specified, "Lila."

"She's in the parlor," I said. "I'll announce you." But I hesitated. "She's been very upset by everything that's going on. She shouldn't have to deal with anything more."

The Police Commissioner just shrugged. I decided I liked him even less than usual today.

I went through the door. "Commissioner Donely to see you," I announced.

"Oh, dear," Lila said fretfully. It was patently obvious that neither she nor Ned welcomed the visit.

"Not a real popular guy are you, Commissioner? More bad news?" asked Ned cynically.

Outside the room I could hear the Commissioner's smug voice. "Good morning, Ned. Lila."

I went to the kitchen to get another pot of coffee, estimating that it wouldn't take very long to get back to the parlor so I could interrupt somehow if Sean was upsetting Lila. Sure enough, when I came back Lila was distraught.

"Lila, I seem to have upset you," Sean was saying. "I won't intrude any further." He bent down to kiss her hand. The thought flickered across my mind that it wouldn't be entirely unpleasant to bring this silver coffee pot down on his head.

"Thank you, Sean," said Lila, though her voice trembled.

Sean looked at me. "Reginald, I'll see myself out."

Damn straight, you will, I thought as he brushed past me. I walked over to Lila, who was beginning to cry, pulled out a clean handkerchief from my pocket and handed it to her.

"Oh, thank you, Reginald, thank you," she said, dabbing at her eyes and nose.

"You all right?" I asked her, knowing she wasn't.

"Oh, Reggie, I do lose control on the subject of Katherine," said Lila.

I didn't know what to say. Even lying in a bed at General Hospital, Ms. Bell was exercising control over this family and I had the impression that it wouldn't have been lessened even by her death. I had the awful feeling that I was watching events run their course... right over Lila.

She looked up at me, suddenly calm. "I shall go to the hsopital, Reginald. I must see Katherine."

I couldn't quite understand why she felt she had to do this, but obediently I went out to get the car.

As I said, it was a busy day. It was late afternoon when I answered the door and found Justus Ward standing there. As we walked across the foyer I studied him curiously. His father was the subject of the other murder that the Qs were dealing with. I wondered what he had come to talk to Ned about.

"Uh, Justus Ward to see you, sir," I announced to Ned.

"How interesting," Ned observed. "Send him in."

Justus entered. "Mr. Ward, good to see you," Ned said, with what sounded like genuine sincerity.

"I wasn't sure I'd be welcome," Justus was saying as I closed the door behind me.

Later that evening, as I was going about my duties, the downstairs maid approached me. "Reginald," she said, formal as always. "Mrs. Quartermaine's alone in the parlor and she seems rather upset." That was typical of the staff. They loved, and were concerned about, Lila, but left any actual interaction to me.

I rounded up Annabelle and she raced ahead of me into the now dimly lit parlor and greeted her mistress. "Oh, Annabelle, I don't know what I'd do without you." I reached her side. "or you, Reggie." Reggie? She seldom called me that and it was an idication of how distressed she was.

"What can I do for you?" I asked her.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I feel as if our whole world were falling apart in front of us," Lila said hopelessly.

I held her hand and realized that however this came out, whichever member(s) of her family were indicted for murder or attempted murder, Lila would be devastated. What could I do to prevent that?

October 25th & 26th 1994
This morning I answered the door and found Mary Mae Ward standing there. I hadn't actually met her before, but had seen her on the a couple of Tiffany Hill's news reports, including Justus Ward's campaign announcement the night before last. My first thought was this must be trouble. Edward is suspected of Bradley Ward's murder and the guy's mother shows up on our doorstep. This can't be good. But to my surprise, though she seemed grim, she wasn't the least bit hostile. What gives, I wondered?

She kept on her wrap when I offered to take it. "If you could just tell Mr. Quartermaine that I'm here to see him, please."

"Of course," I said and then went to the next room. The door was standing open. Mr. Edward and Lila were inside. Edward, coffee cup in hand, was standing with his back to the door. "Mrs. Ward is here to see you," I announced.

"Oh, what a coincidence," Lila said pleasantly, "We were just talking about her grandson. Show her in please, dear."

Edward had gone rigid at the mention of Mrs. Ward. Was it just the relationship to Bradley that disturbed him, I mused?

As I withdrew, I heard Lila say, "I wonder what she's here for."

I motioned to Mrs. Ward that she could go in and then went about my duties. I worried. Edward was not only a good suspect in the Ward case, he was also quite likely in** the matter of Katy Bell's poisoning. Edward had offered Katy a drink knowing she drank martinis. He'd been drinking them himself. If the poison was there why hadn't he been affected. Unless he'd poisoned the pitcher after he had taken his own drink. No, I decided, it would destroy Lila to know that her husband was capable of such an act.

Later that day I had to let in one of my least favorite people; Sean Donely. He gave me a smug smile. "I want to see Edward immediately."

"I'm sorry," I said as sincerely as I could manage. "Mr. and Mrs. Quartermaine are having lunch. Perhaps you'd care to wait." Actually they were probably done with lunch by now, but I was just getting tired of the police commissioner bumbling incompetently around the mansion.

"No, I need to see Edward now," Sean insisted.

I eyed him with distaste. "You know, this is all very stressful for Mrs. Quartermaine."

"Really. Do you think it's the kind of stress that might make someone behave abnormally?" he asked me.

For a moment I didn't get his drift. Was he actually implying that Lila might have poisoned Katherine? I was stunned. "Not unless by "abnormally" you mean being kind, generous, patient and utterly charming. I'll announce you, Sir." I said icily.

As I approached the parlor to announce him I could clearly hear Ned and Edward arguing.

"It was a lesson that Damian had to learn," Edward bellowed.

"Just like the lesson that Justus Ward had to learn, huh?" Ned said pointedly.

"No, no there's an enormous difference between business games and damn near killing the opposition," Edward protested.

I glanced back at Sean. He was studiously observing a potted plant. Perhaps my hearing is a little bit keener than his.

"My point exactly," said Ned loudly.

"Now if you're going to stand here and keep accusing me..." Edward shouted. Well, it was time to interrupt before the conversation became incriminating.

I entered the room. "Excuse me, sir. Commissioner Donely's here. He's demanding to see you."

Edward threw up one hand and started back towards Lila. "Oh for the love of mike! Now what?"

October 28th 1994
The day did not start out well. I first sensed trouble when I went out to get the morning paper. Between me and the paper were five people and a television camera. "What are you guys doing here?" I asked them. Good lord, had someone else been murdered during the night?

"A grand jury hearing is being held today and our sources say that Edward Quartermaine will be indicted for** the murder of Bradley Ward," said one reporter in the interest of exposition.

"Go on! Seriously?" I baited them.

"Yes, really," said the helpful reporter.

"Boy, the police solved that one quick. Twenty years; that must be a speed record for them. Too bad they haven't gotten the right guy yet," I said sarcastically.

"Who are you?" One of the other news people asked.

"I'm the butler," I said, in my best Boris Karloff imitation.

They finally realized that I was kidding them. "Could one of you guys hand me the newspaper?" One of them managed to find it and handed it up to me. I firmly shut the door in their faces. I went to inform the rest of the household of the invasion by the fourth estate.

Later I heard the pack of media-types baying and went to see who they had treed.

Mac Scorpio was coming up the walk, inexplicably speaking really bad Spanish. As he reached the door I pulled it open and yanked him in.

"Get a hobby, all right!" I yelled at the mob. I turned back to Mac. "I'm sorry Mr. Scorpio. Mr. Ashton is expecting you." He began peeling off his overcoat.

"Thanks for the save. Man, they're a bunch of sharks out there." I took Mr. Scorpio's coat.

Edward came down the stairs. "Vultures is more like it. I promise you I will not become carrion for that media," he carried on bravely with the analogy, "There's still plenty of fight left in this old carcass."

Mac helpfully suggested, "Well, have you considered ordering them off your property? They are trespassing." I hung Mac's coat up in the hall closet.

Edward glared at him. "They'd simply take to the skies. Last thing I need are helicopters hovering above. We won't be able to hear ourselves think."

"Well, I'm sure one call down to the Port Charles police department would do the trick," Mac offered.

I nearly laughed out loud and Edward was skeptical. "I doubt it. This is all Sean's work, you know. You can tell your friend, Donely if he's using this circus to run for higher office he won't have the support of the Quartermaines."

I went towards the parlor to announce Mac to Mr. Ashton, shuddering at the thought of Sean Donely seeking additional elective offices.

Later I was in the kitchen trying to persuade Cook that the tabloids weren't likely to pay her to tell them the Q's eating habits, when Ned came in. He was agitated and had a glass in his hand. He rushed to the sink, turned on the water faucet and nearly dropped the glass. Smoothly I took it out of his hand. "What's wrong, Mr. Ashton?" I asked him as I filled the glass.

He took a deep breath. "I think Grandmother's having** some kind of attack." This time I almost dropped the glass.

I didn't waste anymore time talking but rushed with Ned back to the parlor. A.J. took the water from me and handed it to Edward who held it for Lila to sip from. She started to breathe more easily. She held onto the glass herself.

"That's better, sweetheart," said Edward. "That's much better."

"Are you all right?" A.J. asked her just as she was taking another swallow of water. "Is she all right?" he asked Edward.

"There must be something I can do for you, Madame." I meant it in a larger sense but she took it specifically, and handed the nearly empty water glass to me.

"Thank you, Reginald, you're a dear man," said Lila. Her sweet affection almost broke my heart. I went to set the glass on the table.

Ned reached out to Lila. "Grandmother, if I can..."

"No, don't, please everyone. Stop fussing. Is it any wonder that my head is spinning? With blackmail and poison and deceit and...."

"I am so sorry, my love," Edward told her.

"Oh, Edward, it's not only the Bradley Ward case. Somebody in this house tried to murder that horrible Katherine," Lila agonized.

"All right, all right, that's it, cuz!" A.J. turned on Ned. "It's time to cop to the truth before you wind up killing grandmother."

"I didn't do it!" Ned denied the accusation.

"Ned, it's gonna come out eventually," A.J. insisted.

"'Scuse me," I said trying to interrupt as an idea occured to me.

"Junior, stick to what you know," Ned said. "Which is virtually nothing."

"No, I'll tell you exactly what I know," A.J. said. And again I attempted to interrupt even though the list of what A.J. knew couldn't be very long.

"Excuse me," I tried again, and then loud enough for them to hear me over their babbling. "Excuse me, could I have a moment."

They stopped and stared at me. "What!?" A.J. and Ned exclaimed almost simultaneously.

"What is it, Reginald?" Ned demanded when I hesitated.

"I think I can shed some light on the whole Katherine thing," I began tentatively. "I know who tried to kill her."

October 31st 1994 (Halloween, Maxie's Birthday, Anniversary of Houdini's death.)
"Hello, what's going on here," Alan asked as he came into the room. Edward had gone to fetch him, I suppose believing that my announcement might be of some interest to him.

"Something rather astonishing. Reginald has just informed us that he knows who tried to murder Katherine," Lila said, sounding rather delighted, as if I had learned** some kind of new trick.

"You do?!" Alan asked, surprised.

"Yes, sir, I do," I said. Well, didn't I? Once you have eliminated the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. And after all, it would be best for Lila if she didn't have to go on wondering if a member of her own family had done this.

"Get on with it then," Edward said impatiently.

But I hesitated, unsure if confessing to this crime was really the wisest course of action. I glanced at Ned, thinking only how likely it was for the police to suspect a faux spouse, but A.J. took it as an indictment. "I knew it. I knew it. It's Ned, right?"

"Get a life," Ned snapped.

"Don't be afraid, Reggie," said Lila. "You may speak freely here." Yes, why not. Everyone else does.

"Was it someone in the family?" Alan tried, starting a game of twenty questions.

"Not exactly," I hedged.

"Lois?" Edward guessed.

"No, no it wasn't Miss Lois," I told them. How could he even suspect her. Poison wouldn't be her style at all.

"Of course it wasn't," Ned huffed.

"Lucy Coe," A.J. put in his entry.

Miss Lucy!? The very idea; how would she have gotten to Monica's medication. "No, no, not her," I said.

"Oh no, not Brenda," Lila disavowed her own guess.

"Goodness, no," I said. As if Brenda would have had time. Who were they going to guess next, Annabelle. I was glad to see I was so low on their list as to be non-existent. I hoped I wouldn't have trouble getting them to believe me.

"Then who was it?" Edward demanded.

I took the dive. "Well, sir, as a matter of fact it was me."

"Good heavens," Edward exclaimed, "The butler did it!"

I winced, he had to say it. He just had to say it.

"Oh, Reggie," Lila said sadly. The look on her face nearly made me back down from the confession, but it was too late now to say 'sorry, just kidding, really it was Foster'.

A.J. and Ned chortled and snickered as I walked over to Lila. "I'm so sorry, Madame. I never meant to upset you. I did it because of you. Because you were so unhappy," I told her. That was certainly true. Katherine had been making her utterly miserable.

"You tried to poison Katherine for me?" Lila asked.

"I know it was stupid," I understated. "I was just blinded by my anxiety for you. I didn't think of the consequences."

"Whatever made you think that Mother wanted Katherine dead?" Alan asked, perplexed, as usual.

"Apparently he knows me a great deal better than most of you do," Lila asserted.

"Madame was very obviously distressed by just the** presence of that miserable woman. I was tempted to to kill her with my own bare hands when she launched that vicious attack on poor Annabelle," I said, but didn't add that Lila had dropped a few pointed hints about wanting Katherine gone in a permanent manner.

"Wait a second, wait a minute. Katherine hit Annabelle?" A.J. questioned my narrative.

"For chewing on her beastly vulgar pump," Lila clarified.

"And that's when I began to consider eliminating her from the premises," I said.

"Nicely put, Reginald." said Ned. "So what changed your mind?"

"Well, the proverbial substance hit the fan, excuse me, madame," I apologized for the language.

"That's all right, Reginald, go on," Lila urged me.

"Well, after her birthday party, my more extreme methods seemed moot. Katherine had been sent nicely packing," I turned to Ned. "And may I say, well done, sir. It was a bang up job of dumping her."

"The only bright spot of the entire mess, until now," Ned observed. Well, maybe now was a bright spot for him. It didn't look that way to me.

"Yeah, well, right. When I thought she was nothing but a bad memory she reappeared, started making threats and demanding meetings and causing trouble and causing Madame more agita than a lady should have to tolerate. So the evening of the family meeting I whipped up a special appetizer with Katherine's name on it," I said, and it was plausible. I could be reasonably well-assured that Katy would eat anything placed in front of her.

"A mini-quiche," said Alan. Trust him to remember exactly what we were serving that evening. Even though he'd refused one himself. Everyone in the family had refused the canapes that fateful evening.

"Precisely, sir," I confirmed.

"Oh Reginald, this was a very loyal effort," Edward said. I was glad he saw it that way. I didn't consider it a smart move myself.

"But misplaced," Alan objected. "Not to say that we all didn't want to be rid of her."

"It certainly took a lot of courage," Ned declared, "But Reginald, I had it under control."

"Well, apparently not Ned. Hell, I think it took a lot of ingenuity," A.J. said, throwing out his own compliment.

"Oh, rather heroic, I'd say," Edward said. All this praise was a little disconcerting under the circumstances.

"But risky," Alan said. This from a man who drops roofs on people.

"Reg, you sly dog," A.J. said admiringly. Great, lumped in with Annabelle again.

"Amazing," Ned agreed. "Well done," Edward added yet another piece of praise. Actually if the murder attempt had been well-done, it** wouldn't have been an attempt.

"Well, thank you, it was quite easy," I hoped they weren't going to ask me for details. "But now that it's become clear that Commissioner Donely isn't going to ease the pressure on the family until he solves the case," (A near impossibility given his methods.) "So I've decided to turn myself into the authorities." I finished.

"Well it does have us in a bit of a twist," Edward commented.

"Well, you know, the only shame here is that Reg didn't finish the job," A.J. said coldly. Gracious, it wasn't going to be long before junior was racking up his own body count.

"Even so, it was ill-conceived," Alan criticized. The praise portion of the evening must have been over.

"A bit excessive," Ned agreed with him.

"Don't you fret, Reginald. We'll provide you with the finest criminal attorneys that money can buy," said Edward. Oh, was O.J. letting go some of his crew. "and a judge to if I can arrange it," Edward jested. Corruption 'R Us, I thought. I hoped he was saving something to buy the judge in his own case.

"You're a good man, Reginald," Ned concluded, contrary to the evidence of the evening.

"I'll place a call to Sean Donely and we'll arrange for your surrender," Edward said happily. Whoa, I thought. When I say I'm going to turn myself in, you're supposed to say, no, don't, stop.

"Edward do not touch that telephone. No one confesses to anything until I've had my say," Lila ordered. Phew! It seems I'd calculated correctly.

"Reginald I want to make it perfectly clear, I do not condone or approve of what you've done," Lila elucidated. I was relieved that at least the saintly Lila didn't approve of attempted murder. "But I will not tolerate hypocrisy. Edward come back here. Look at you. Congratulating Reginald for a job well done and then throwing him to the wolves. The truth is he was defending me and I will not stand by idly whilst he's made a sacrificial lamb." If I do go on trial, I want Lila to be my lawyer.

"What are you saying, Mother?" Alan asked.

"If you allow Reginald to turn himself in I will confess to my part as co-conspirator," Lila declared.

"But you weren't," Hints aside, Lila and I were definitely not co-conspirators.

"You can't confess to something you didn't do," Ned said with no basis in fact. He must not be acquainted with the Los Angeles or Phoenix or PC police departments.

"No? Watch me," said Lila with determination.

"Well, what do you propose we do instead?" Alan asked, as if he had never done anything with a crime except let the cops handle it.

"Well, the same thing we do when any member of this family gets his knickers in the wringer," belatedly Edward supported his wife and spewed out a folksy metaphor. "We circle the wagons and cover our backsides."

"Hell, why not? We did it for Alan with Ray Conway," Ned agreed.

"For goddsakes, the man's been dead for a year. Can't we finally bury the guy once and for all?" Alan objected. I forebore to mention that the task would have been easier, if he had done more than lightly cover the guy with snow the first time.

"You know, Lila is right. Reginald's loyalty to this family should not go unrewarded. Everyone in this room will keep what Reginald revealed today absolutely secret. And we will simply stonewall the police," Edward laid out the plan.

"I agree," Ned said. He didn't seem vitally interested.

"Yeah sure. I'm just glad that Jason isn't here. The kid would have a cow," A.J. said casually. Poor Jason, I wonder how long he can remain innocent in a family like this.

"Father, may I remind you the last time we tried a cover up, how it blew up in our faces," Alan protested. Oh sure; a cover up was perfectly okay when it was for him.

Ned dismissed this. "This is no time for you, of all people to start searching for moral high ground. Katherine pulls through this and we all keep our mouths shut, there's no reason we can't weather this storm as neatly as any other," Ned looked at me. "I for one will keep in mind to always remain on Reginald's good side, however." I was embarrassed. It wasn't like I was going to start dropping arsenic in their morning tea.

"Well, how does that sit with you?" Edward asked me. Finally someone was asking my opinion on my fate.

"Very well, sir, thank you." I guessed it was settled, for the time being anyway. "So, uh... can I get anyone anything?" The irony occurred to me as I spoke and the family chuckled.

I went over to the wet bar and prepared a round of drinks. I wasn't imagining that they were all watching me a little closer than usual, but they didn't say anything until I handed out the drinks.

"Thank you, Reginald," said Edward, and then reiterated the earlier decision. "All right then it's agreed. We rally round Reginald and we stonewall Sean Donely. That's excellent. The last thing we need is for Katherine to cause any more grief to any member of this family."

"Which includes, Reginald," Lila said firmly.

I was touched, but worried. There are more comforting things than having a quorum of Quartermaines rallying round you. Despite this I said, "Thank you, ma'am,"

Right then Lois entered the room "Excuse me. I rang the bell, but Reginald didn't answer." More embarrassment; I had left the door unlocked and unattended. Anybody could have walked in and overheard my confession.

"Reginald's been busy," A.J. said. Very busy.

"Gee, a family meeting without me," said Lois "That's too bad because I've got some really good dish."

"Not mini-quiche, I hope," Alan muttered.

"Keep a lid on it, Alan," Edward warned.

"She woke up," Lois told the group.

"Who?" Ned asked. How many people did he know who were in a coma?

"The ersatz, former, not authentic, Mrs. Ned Ashton, *that's who," Ned still looked blank. "Katherine woke up," Lois clarified. "So there we were, having a nice little gab fest with me doing all the gabbing, naturally, and all of a sudden her lights come on. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes." Lois' recounting was incredibly vivid.

"More like a vulture," Alan sniped.

"What a relief," Lila sighed.

"This is good news," I said, sincerely.

"Well at least we don't have to worry about a manslaughter charge now," said Edward, practically.

"Please, haven't you people ever heard of compassion?" said Lois. "Or is your life just a series of victims left in your wake, shoving them aside long enough to continue your climb ever upward?" This was uncomfortably close to the mark.

"She's got us pegged," said Ned. "But Lois, what were you doing visiting Katherine?"

"None of your beeswax," Lois informed him.

"Well, I for one, am really glad, that she recovered. I was worried. I haven't been sleeping well," A.J. lied without shame.

"Nice try, Junior," Ned said. Not that anyone in the room had been fooled.

"Well, I'm going to go see if Monica's awake. I think she'd like to hear the good news," Alan announced.

"I'm simply exhausted, Edward," Lila said. "Would you mind, dear."

"Not at all, dear," Edward said. All these dears flying about surely meant that Lila was dropping a hint. "And Lois, thank you for the update."

"I'll uh.. get your cocoa, Madame," I got the hint that Ned and Lois were to be left alone.

"A.J. would you be a dear and let Annabelle out," Lila asked A.J. as I left the room.