September 8th 1994
The day had been pretty uneventful with Monica cancelling my "assignment" to drive her to the hospital, Jason working on a boring speech, and Edward planning how to suck blood out of the not quite dead Damian.

I was ambling through the front hall when Annabelle dashed down the stairs with Ms. Ashton's ugly tan pump clenched in her teeth. Katherine came running down the stairs in hot pursuit. "Annabelle! Annabelle, come back here," she shrieked.

I tried to defuse the situation. "Ms. Ashton, just... just calm down."

"Annabelle, give me that shoe! Annabelle!" She yelled at the dog.

Don't hit her," I warned her. "Do not hit her," I said emphatically.

"You darn dog! Give me that." Katherine moved threateningly towards the dog. Annabelle backed into a table, sending the antique vase on it crashing to the ground.

Katherine leaped forward and wrenched the shoe from Annabelle's mouth, "You darn dog!" and then raised it above her head as if to strike the creature. Katherine looked directly at me and threw the shoe at Annabelle. It hit Annabelle in the head and the dog ran from the hall, whimpering into the parlor.

I heard Mrs. Quartermaine comfort the dog, "There, there Annabelle. What on Earth is going on?"

Katherine had picked up the contested shoe and followed Annabelle into the parlor. I stayed in the hall, briefly, to pick up some of the larger pieces of the broken vase.

Ms. Ashton was yelling. "Your dog chewed a hole in my shoe. Absolutely ruined it."

I raced to the door, wanting to give Annabelle's side of the story. "Ms. Ashton...." I looked over at Lila. "She struck Annabelle with it."

"What!?" Lila said, shocked. I walked into the room, going to stand behind Mrs. Quartermaine. "Explain yourself, Katherine," Lila demanded.

"I didn't intentionally strike the dog," Katherine lied. "I just threw my shoe at her."

I spoke up, "She hit Annabelle in the head."

"Shut up, Reginald," Katherine snapped at me.

Lila was deeply offended. "You will apologize to Reginald and to Annabelle." She ordered Katherine.

"I most certainly will not," Katherine replied.

"Oh, but you will. I've taken more than I can take from you." Lila reprimanded her.

"I won't be scolded like a child," Katherine objected.

"Ah, if you were a child I might understand your behavior. As it is I have overlooked your blatant flirtation with my husband, which you probably hoped would further your vaulting ambitions."

Finally, I thought, someone is giving Katherine the good talking to she's needed.

Lila continued, "I've treated you with civility, despite your threatening to turn my son over to the police. I have even accorded you a place in this family as my grandson's wife, although that place was won by thoroughly illegitimate means. But I will not now, or ever, tolerate cruelty to animals."

Or butlers, I was sure she meant to add.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Katherine. Envious of a dog, who, unlike you, is a blue blood and a true champion." Lila finished with a low blow.

"I wouldn't be so smug. I still have the power to turn this family inside out. All I have to do is go down to Sean Donely and tell him my little story." Katy threatened.

I sneered at that. Sean Donely? Boy, was this chick clueless.

The threat only further infuriated Lila. "I've noticed how vulgar people turn vicious when cornered, like vipers. That's what you are, Katherine, a viper..."

Good shot, Lila, I thought proudly.

"Striking out in desperation at anything that comes close to you." Lila finished.

"Well, you've taken this viper into the bosom of your family," Katherine told her. Oooh sensitive subject around here, I thought. "So watch out," Katherine continued. "Because I will not be treated as an inferior outsider."

Lila got in a last lick. "Oh, but you are my dear. Both inferior and an outsider. Every day in every way you are simply reinforcing that fact."

Katy left in a huff, having run out of further rebuttals.

Lila slumped slightly in her chair and I lightly rubbed the back of her neck. "Will no one ever rid us of that accursed creature."

I recognized the reference to Henry II's fateful words and considered what a pleasure it would be to play out the historical scenario.

This evening Annabelle had filet mignon for dinner.

September 30th 1994
This is my prepared statement should Sean Donely actually get around to questioning anyone connected to the crime. I will, of course, edit it for discretions sake before I hand it over. Like the stuff about Dr. Q accidentally offing that guy. This is the gospel truth, unless I change my story.

I was helping Lila prepare for the evening's family powwow. She had been much more herself since Ms. Bell had left, but the prospect of Katy's return had unnerved her again.

I was taking notes on a small yellow pad. It was helpful, since the Qs often gave detailed instructions. Unfortunately, they, as often, changed their minds. "I assume you want canapes rather than dinner," I suggested to Mrs. Quartermaine.

"Oh, yes!" she agreed. "Not another meal with that loathsome woman." I, myself, was not eager to see Ms. Bell attack another full course dinner.

"And cocktails?" I asked. Of course, they'd want drinks and lots of 'em. In fact, I'd probably be having a few.

"Ummm...martinis for Edward and ... oh, I'd like to have a Bloody Mary standing by just in case." The thought of the coming event depressed Lila. "Oh, Reginald I don't know when I've ever dreaded something as much as this evening."

"Oh, I'm sure it'll all be over before you know it. She'll never darken this doorway again." Lila just brings out the melodramatic streak in me.

"Oh, I hope you're right. I don't think I can stand much more of this," said Lila.

"I'm sorry if I'm out of line, it's just that I've grown quite fond of you and it upsets me to see you so distressed." It did upset me that someone as half-witted and delusional as Katherine would cause the saintly Lila Quartermaine one moment's grief.

"How could one live in this house and not be? Oh, when I think of the havoc that creature has wreaked on this family. I...oh..." Lila sputtered.

"Please don't upset yourself Mrs. Quartermaine. We'll be rid of Ms. Bell," I hesitated; just exactly how would we be rid of her? "Mr. Ashton will see to that," I improvised.

"Oh, you're right, as usual. Oh, Reginald what would I ever do without you?" Lila said.

"That's something you'll never have to consider," I promised. "I'll go speak to cook," About the canapes, just the canapes, honestly.

I passed the two-timing, rock and roll singing, Ned Ashton on my way out. Like a good Quartermaine, he ignored my existence.

Cook had made her delicious canapes. I was taste testing one when Edward came into the kitchen. "Are we having martinis tonight, Reginald?"

Quickly I tried to swallow the mouthful of canape and answered, "mmmmf, mumed, gulp, Yes, sir."

"Good, but be sure to make them dry, very dry and don't skimp on the olives," Edward instructed. He wandered over to the tray of freshly baked canapes. "Is this what we're having to eat? Are you sure this is enough? Our guest of honor has a healthy appetite."

"I'll see if cook can find any carrion for Ms. Bell," I muttered, as I turned towards the cupboard to get the martini pitcher.

"Eh?" said Edward. "I didn't quite catch that."

I turned around and Mr. Edward was smiling at me so I could tell that he had indeed heard my comment. "Well, this is going to be a very short meeting," Edward allowed. "This should be enough." He wandered back out of the kitchen.

I mixed the pitcher of martinis; taste tested that. Picked up the tray of canapes and balanced that and the pitcher all the way to the parlor. I set them out on the wet bar and took out a few of the other bottles of liquor preferred by various family members. Jason and A.J. entered the room. A.J. came up behind me and slapped me on the back. "Reginald, my man!" I winced.

A.J. picked up one of the canapes. "Is this it? The dragon queen'll suck these down in no time. What are the rest of us going to eat?"

"Ignore him," Jason told me. "I'm sure no one else will have an appetite." A.J. put down the canape and poured himself a glass of ginger-ale. They moved over behind the couch.

I looked around the wet bar and found that there was no tomato juice for the requested stand-by "Bloody Mary". I left the room and returned to the kitchen. I was only gone a few minutes. When I returned Lila, Edward and Ned were all gathered by the window. "Where are Alan and Monica," Edward was grumbling.

"You remember, dear. Monica's having chemotherapy today," Lila told him.

"She shouldn't have to be dealing with this," Jason declared.

There was a timid knock on the door and one of the maids poked her head in. The family ignored her. She motioned to me and I joined her. "Cook can't find the baster. She thought you might know where...." she whispered.

"All right, all right." and I went off to the kitchen again. By the way, we found the baster behind the cusinart. It took about fifteen minutes.

I was passing through the foyer when I heard Ms. Bell's red sports car screech up the driveway. I had the door open before she had a chance to lean on the bell. I led her to the parlor and announced at the door, "Ms. Bell."

Katherine entered the room like a gladiator facing a hostile crowd. "Good evening all. Well, I see everyone's here."

"I wasn't aware we had a choice in the matter." said A.J., snidely.

"Good evening, Katherine, may I offer you something to drink?" Edward said, awfully suspiciously in light of the coming events.

"She won't be here that long," Ned asserted.

"Yes, a martini would be divine." Katy defied Ned easily.

"Three olives?" I asked, rhetorically, knowing very well that she would have preferred the whole jar. I walked over to the bar.

"Very good, Reginald, you were paying attention." Katy said, condescendingly.

"Let's not waste any more time than we have to," said Ned "What's this about?"

I picked up the tray of canapes and walked back towards Katherine.

"Me," big surpise there, "and my new reason for drawing breath," as opposed to the old one; eating, "which is to be an instrument of torture to this entire family." said Katy, as if the Qs weren't good enough at torturing each other.

I handed her the martini and offered her a canape. She took one off the tray. "Oh, thank you so much."

"That's a pretty lofty goal, Katherine." A.J. said.

"And a worthy one," Katy added. I wondered if anybody had told her about the Red Cross or the Peace Corps. "You've all been wretched to me from the minute I first set foot in this house."

"You blackmailed your way into this house," pronounced Alan, the shameless killer. I circled back around the wet bar.

"You gave me the opportunity. And instead of making the best of it, you all looked down your collective noses at me and made me feel like I was something Annabelle dragged in from the yard," said Katy. No, I thought, Annabelle had better taste than that.

A.J. and Jason refused the canapes when I came around with the tray. I offered one to Lila and then to Edward. They also refused.

"Well, no more. I am holding all the cards, once again." Katy declared.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Monica said wearily.

"And what's that from the peanut gallery. You're too weak to even swat a fly, Monica. Why don't you go upstairs to your bed, or something." If this was all the verbal ammunition Katy could come up with the Qs were going to chew her up and spit her out.

"Don't you dare talk to my wife..." Alan huffed.

"Oh, shut up, Alan! You don't frighten me, none of you do," Katy blustered.

"Maybe you're not as smart as you think you are," Jason said. I stifled a laugh. She couldn't be as smart as she thought she was.

"And maybe you're all a bunch of paper tigers." Katy said, witty as ever.

Well, I had stomached about as much as I could of this scintillating conversation. I passed behind Katherine, and hoped that in the next few minutes they'd toss her out bodily. As I went out the door and closed it behind me I heard Katherine playing her ace, "Here's what's happening, Quartermaines, unless you do everything I say I will go directly to Sean Donely and tell him everything I know about the Ray Conway murder."

I ignored the sensitive information which no one around here seemed to be able to keep secret. I took the small tray of canapes back to the kitchen with me.

"My next stop will be my lawyers office where I will have papers drawn up.... " Katy's strident words followed me down the hall.

I was trying to avoid going back into the parlor when I heard the doorbell ring. I answered the door and found the lovely new Mrs. Ashton standing there.

"Hi," was all I could think of to say.

"Hi, Reg. Is Ashton around?" Lois waltzed past me.

"Yes, but he's uh... He's behind closed doors," I told her.

Lois handed me her purse and took off her jacket. "Oh, the family meeting, huh? Well, that's no problem, since I'm a brand new family member, 'member?" She joked, but her voice had an edge.

"I remember." I started towards the parlor door and turned back. "Oh, umm.. how would you like to be announced?" I offered her some choices. "Ms. Cerullo, Ms. Maine or perhaps you'd like Mrs. Ashton?"

"Good question!?" Lois said gleefully. "Mrs. Ashton, I think."

Good, I thought to myself, that should do wonders for Katy's blood pressure. I went to the parlor. Katy was still holding forth. "I want the same things I've always wanted. The money, the name." I came up behind her. "the social standing, and you're still going to give them to me."

I waited unobtrusively. It might be awhile before she wound down.

She noticed me. "Reginald, really, stop lurking. It's extremely presumptuous of you. This is a private meeting."

Before I could let something unbutler-like slip out, Lila came to my defense. "Oh, put a sock in it, Katherine. You're not to speak to anyone in this household in that imperious manner." To me she said gently, "What is it, dear?"

I took a couple steps towards the door, eager to present the new arrival. "Mrs. Ashton to join the meeting."

"Hi, ya in-laws," Lois greeted the stunned Qs.

Sensing things might get confidential again, I left them to it and went to help the upstairs maid with some chores. And that was the last I saw of the family. Later I heard that Katherine had fallen down the stairs, in fact we're still feeling the aftershocks.