March 17th 1996
Tom's Top Ten Rejected Roof Top Fantasies
10) Whitewater rafting
9) The bad pop singer and his groupie
8) Being trapped on the roof in below zero weather
7) Three stooges film festival
6) Pismo Beach Clam Bake
5) Holding her hostage on top of a fake Texas mesa
4) Liveried footmen, hot dogs and bean sprouts
3) Anything involving fried chicken
2) An Esther Williams musical
And Tom's number one rejected roof top fantasy
1) African Safari

"Vacations are for relaxing." -- Tom Hardy

March 18th 1996
Top Ten Things For Which PC Residents Blame Damian Smith
10) Dip in ratings for Victoria Bowles show
9) Not burning down Kelly's
8) Luring Doctors away from GH to nasty HMOs
7) Lulu's earaches
6) City-wide shortage of hair tonic
5) Poor sales on Miguel Morez CDs
4) The "Water" Problem
3) Hiding Audrey's keys
2) Jason's accident
And the number one thing for which PC Residents blame Damian Smith:
1) Poor choice of Presidential Candidates

"Maybe I'll run for political office." -- Damian Smith

March 1996
Mac's Top Ten Qualifications for Police Commissioner
10) Never been Mayor
9) Not to proud to slam his head against a handy brick wall
8) Sheep-herding
7) Being a bartender for all these years he's heard the dirt on every P.C. Resident
6) Some of his best-friends are criminals
5) Backed by Edward, who sensibly wants the person least likely to solve a crime in the position
4) Not encumbered by any preconceptions about how to be a cop
3) Robin at his beck and call should he need to figure out anything tough, like addition or how to retrieve a file
2) Not dead
And Mac's number one qualification for Police Commissioner:
1) Eve...his undercover policewoman persona!

"I don't want the job." -- Mac 'Tower of Jello' Scorpio

March 1996
Mac's Top Ten Duties as Police Commissioner
10) Making sure Garcia changes the coffee filters regularly
9) Impressing out-of-town official visitors with slightly exotic accent
8) Covering up for Quartermaine's when they get arrested
7) Alligator wrestling (it bloody well comes up, y'know)
6) Keeping rambunctious Officer Johnson in line
5) Laughing at interrogation tapes
4) Aiding unauthorized civilians in their investigatons of currently open police cases, often hindering said official investigation (Well... Sean used to do it for
him. Why wouldn't he think it was part of the job description?)
3) Keeping all the female prisoners "comfortable"
2) Walking around police headquarters hidden by BIG cardboard cutout of Robert Scorpio
And Mac's number one duty as Police Commissioner
1) Bringing the donuts

"Is there anything you need?" -- Mac Scorpio

April 1996
Top Ten Signs That Brenda Has Problems Making Choices
10) Twelve VCRS set to record at the same time
9) Waiters at Outback dread her arrival
8) She admires Lucy's decisiveness and stability
7) One chess game: two years
6) She's the reason Deception only has one fragrance
5) Ruby no longer asks for Brenda's order just brings her whatever she feels like. (Ooops, our mistake Ruby treats all her customers like that.)
4) Her childhood pets were very confused at being alternately called Sparky and Isolde
3) Uses Tylenol for everyday pain; Excedrin for headaches
2) One word: Miguel
And the number one sign that Brenda has problems making choices:
1) Let's Lily pick her vacation spots

"I apologized. What more do you want?" -- Brenda

May 1996
Top Ten Obstacles To A Lily/Garcia Romance
10) Garcia can't speak a word of Spanish
9) Lily always playing Miguel Morez CD when depressed
8) Commissioner Scorpio thinks sleeping with potential witnesses is his department
7) Harry is taking a "personal" interest in Lily's welfare
6) The only kind of spaghetti Garcia makes is round and comes out of a can
5) Illicit affair bound to cramp Lily's stepford-wife style
4) Julio
3) Lily's Canadian Mountie fetish
2) Closet psycho, Garcia, has dead mother stuffed and stored in the basement and carries on conversations with himself
And the number one obstacle to a Lily/Garcia relationship
1) Lily insists on grading everything

"Officer Garcia needed my support." -- Lily Rivera Corinthos

May 1996
Jason's Top Ten Duties as a'Boy On The Side'
10) Keeping pool cues chalked
9) Buying every other round of beer
8) Stroking Carly's bloated ego
7) Holding compact mirror so she can put on her lipstick
6) Fluffing pillows
5) Doing the lambada
4) Pretending he doesn't know her
3) Pretending he likes her
2) Telling her how to spell really big words
And Jason's number one duty as a 'boy on the side'
1) Sex

"Is that what I am? A boy on the side? Is that like a side-order of fries?"
-- Jason Morgan

May 1996
Top Ten People Who Might Be Harrassing Felicia And Their Motives
10) Kevin - Just plain goin' bonkers
9) Frisco - His idea of a romantic overture
8) Tom - Just the beginning of his 'Spy' fantasy
7) Mac - PCPD now creating its own cases. He's putting officer Johnson on it right away
6) New Guy/Patch/Stephen Nichols - Part of his evil plot to insinuate his character into Port Charles
5) Ryan - The flowers are definitely his touch. He's still obsessed with her and looking for some closure
4) Bobbie - Mistakenly believes Felicia is responsible for taking her baby away
3) Katherine - Felicia is a Natural blonde
2) Sigmund - *Quack, quack, quack*
And the number one person who might be harrassing Felicia and their motive:

1) Felicia - Gaslighting herself. Wants to prove to Tom that he can't solve a mystery

"The tips alone are killing me." -- Tom Hardy

May 1996
Dara Jensen's Top Ten Objections
10) He's leading the witness *whine*
9) Relevancy *sneer*
8) She's not a medical expert *snort*
7) But he (she, it) knows Sonny Corinthos *whimper*
6) It's hot *pant*
5) Defending Counsel is just too damn fine lookin' *pant*
4) You haven't established any such thing *bitch*
3) Just because I did it, doesn't mean he can too *pout*
2) The prosecution isn't willing to concede that point... without dinner and flowers first *kiss*
And Dara Jensen's number one objection
1) I am not Jessica Holmes... I just sound exactly like her *flounce*

"A kingdom for a nice, frosty glass of beer." -- Justus

May 1996
Top Ten Things That Really Upset Kevin
10) Monthly billing reports
9) Chintz
8) Good buddy Mac still doesn't apppreciate Opera
7) Lucy refuses to use the Nice n Easy Honey Blonde #28 he bought for her
6) Every time the Outback gets a new bartender he has to explain what Aquavit is
5) No other "Twin Peaks" fans in Port Charles
4) Tom using his parking space again
3) Doctor Dorman always asking "So how's your brother?"
2) Merlots
And the number one thing that really upsets Kevin
1) Cold webbed feet on his bare legs

"That doesn't even sound remotely like me." -- Dr. Kevin Collins

May 1996
Top Ten Reasons The High Lonesome Should Come To Tucson
10) Cooling off a little, only hitting 99 lately
9) There's a little road goes right from Los Angeles
to Tucson...we call it I-10
8) Old Tucson almost finished rebuilding
7) More women than you can shake a stick at... if that's your idea of a good time
6) Open Invitation to the band and entourage for a home-cooked meal (and a place to stay if you're really desperate)
5) Dry heat
4) Tucson is a laid-back, rockin', country, retirement/college community, High Lonesome kind of town
3) It's not Phoenix
2) Very few poisonous plants and animals
And the number one reason The High Lonesome Should Come To Tucson
1) Free Beer!

"There's a party down the block and the band's good and tight." —'Mary, Mary' The High Lonesome

June 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Don't Care If Sonny and Brenda Ever Get Back Together
10) Summer Olympics coming up
9) Dream of seeing Brenda and her swiss ski instructor reunited
8) Desperately trying to forget the wire incident
7) Because The High Lonesome are singing, "na, na, na," on our stereo. Try it folks; it's hypnotic
6) Devoted to naturalized Canadian citizen, Lily
5) Chemistry between Sonny and "Eve" unforgettable
4) Jax... in a Tux
3) We just count the days Kevin is on. Sonny and Brenda who?
2) Too confused now that Sonny is Scarlett
And number one reason we just don't care if Sonny and Brenda ever get back together:
1) As long as Sonny wears blue, who cares who he's with

"Sonny loves me; he told me so." -- Brenda (ad nauseum)

June 1996
Sonny's Top Ten Mistakes
10) Ordering the cheese fries at Luke's
9) Not taking out Miguel when he had the opportunity
8) Didn't memorize the Shakespeare quotes Damian gave him
7) Backing the Mets
6) Mistaking a plot-device for a lifetime companion
5) Forgetting Harry's extensive experience as a "Spirit-guide"
4) Introducing Karen to the Pole
3) Setting his VCR on SP instead of EP
2) Never hired a chauffeur
And Sonny's number one mistake:
1) Brenda

"As God is my witness, I love you with all my heart." -- Sonny

June 1996
Sonny's Top Ten Pet Peeves
10) Everybody else seems to be thinking faster than he does
9) Tall handsome multi-millionaire Australians
8) The way Lily was able to play the Piano without actually touching the keys
7) Mike still carding him when he orders a drink
6) Luke's hair; isn't there anything that can be done about it
5) Suspect Harry is 'dumbing down' when he reports
4) Jason asking questions like, "Which direction is East?"
3) Miguel on Broadway
2) Video tapes designed to come out of the bottom of the box
And Sonny's number one Pet Peeve:
1) Exploding wives

"No, no, noooo!" Sonny Corinthos

June 5th 1996
Top Ten Reasons We'll Miss Lily
10) Even less for Sly to talk about in his rare screen appearances
9) Best evidence of contaminated water supply now deceased
8) Luke's never going to have that special "Lily's blackened Cajun Chicken" now
7) Won't get to hear Sonny and Lily sing a duet at this year's Nurses' Ball
6) Katherine just doesn't look right in babydoll dresses
5) Unemployed bodygaurds wandering around with nothing to do
4) Despondent Sonny an imminent danger to everyone
3) No one is safe now; writers could choose anyone as a plot device
2) We'll never get to see her very special painful smile/grimace
And the number one reason we'll miss Lily:
1) One word: Garcia

"Don't you know that I would never leave you even if I went away." -- Lily Rivera Corinthos
(current resident of "Canada")

Since Sonny is now in an understandably foul mood it is apparent that the "Nice Mob" is finished... dead... kaput... gone to Canada. But already we see a replacement emerging: "The Damn Fine-Lookin' Mob."

June 5th 1996
The Top Ten Methods of the Damn Fine-Lookin' Mob
10) Letting that brain-damaged kid, Jason, do all the work
9) Offering Babe mob Moll duties
8) Still emphasizing fine hair-care products
7) Bribing Assistant District Attorney Dara with a succession of studly men
6) Holding open a spot for demented (but fine-lookin') Dr. Kevin
5) Shooting range scholarship in Damian's name
4) Free memberships in Deception spa
3) Possible merger with Fine-Lookin' elements of PCPD (and you know who we mean!...that's right, Officer Rick)
2) Forgiving Harry because they couldn't possibly spare such a handsome man
And the number one method of the Damn Fine-Lookin' Mob:
1) Matching Combs

"I'm not leavin'" -- Jason Morgan

June 6th 1996
Top Ten Reasons TPTB SHOULDN'T Listen To The People On RATSA
10) RATSAers use too many big words
9) Ricky Martin really adored all over the world
8) Around here we mostly HATE "Days of Our Lives" and see no reason to have GH emulate it, even if sex and devils do get ratings
7) Posters all too emotionally attached to individual characters to be objective (that whole FGC scene)
6) The SIDAR would cease and Brenda would end up a nun
5) Expensive Canadian location shoots
4) Would lead to happy committed couples in interesting situations and, darn it, that's anti-soap-tradition
3) RATSAers think Top Ten Lists are fine literature: Whatta they know?!
2) Stunningly good demographics just an illusion electronically created by guy named Joe, with a really nice system, in Pittsburgh
And the number one reason TPTB SHOULDN'T Listen to the People on RATSA
1) Could cause the confusing nationwide use of Acronyms*

*GLOSSARY TO ACRONYMS AND TERMS IN THIS LIST
RATSA - Rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc, a usenet newsgroup
TPTB - The Powers That Be. The folks that make decisions at "General Hospital"
FGC - Favorite General Hospital Character. (Actually a much more complicated concept than it seems)
SIDAR - Stupid Idiotic Dumb Assinine Rectangle. Sonny/Lily/Miguel/Brenda. Note: triangle with Jax does not constitute an improvement.
Posters - People who post/contribute messages/articles to RATSA. Opposite of Lurker
Canada - The place where GH characters who are more or less dead go. Ryan started it.
Top Ten Lists - Those things TPTB are now going to be getting on a regular basis, so they won't be inordinately depressed by their e-mail.

cc: genhosp@ccabc.com

A tip of the hat to Tahnda for inspiring this list with her "shame on you" to TPTB for too obviously lifting Movie Plots in their recent storylines. Personally we see nothing wrong with this venerable Soap tradition; the trouble is they've been using the wrong movies. So here's the film re-treads we'd like to see them do. And a thank you to Phil Ward for introducing us to the number one film.

June 9th 1996
Top Ten Movie Plots We'd Like To See TPTB Use
10) CASABLANCA - An old love walks out of Mike's past, but she has an obligation to her husband, who is running from the Mob. Mike helps them as Sonny reluctantly hinders them. In the end it leads to a strong bond between Mike and Sonny.
"This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." — Sonny Corinthos
9) DOA - Mac is poisoned and has twenty four hours to figure out who his murderer is. Turns out to just be Katherine's first attempt at Spamburgers.

"Pass the ketchup." — Mac Scorpio
8) MY MAN GODFREY - Tracy returns home and falls in love with Reginald
"I wish you wouldn't blow in my ear when I'm trying to serve the tea." — Reginald Jennings
7) TOWERING INFERNO - ELQ Burns down
"Oooooh, it's hot." — Edward Quartermaine

6) E.T. - A friendly alien appears in Robin's shower and asks her to help him phone home... Whoops... our mistake, they already did that one
"Lumina isn't listed in the phone book." — Robin Scorpio
5) SUSPICION - Brenda becomes increasingly nervous as she suspects that her new husband Jax, plans to murder her
"That car stereo system you're installing looks an awful lot like a bomb, honey." — Brenda Barret Jacks
4) MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (Or MRS.) - Lois is elected to the soon-to-be-vacant City Council seat and wreaks havoc on the corrupt system
"Blow it our your ear, Mr. Mayor." — Lois Cerullo Ashton
3) BRINGING UP BABY - Felicia adopts a leopard
"I can't give you anything, but love, Baby." -— Felicia
2) PRIDE OF THE YANKEES - Baseball team hears Laura is pretty good with a bat, and hires her in hopes that she can give them a winning season
"Kill the Ump!" — Luke Spencer
And the number one movie plot we'd like to see TPTB use
1) TWINS OF EVIL - Jerry, Jax' twin brother, arrives on Kronos, where Jax and Brenda are honeymooning. Brenda is hard-pressed to tell the difference until she realizes that Jerry is actually a blood-sucking Vampire
"He's not my type." — Brenda Barret Jacks

June 10th 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Like Carly
10) The bemused look she gets on her face whenever anyone in Port Charles does something weird in front of her
9) Takes advantage of Ruby
8) Knows how to treat a man
7) Luke doesn't like her; 'nuff said
6) Computer genius
5) Good dental hygiene
4) Has really good sneaky potential, just needs a few pointers
3) She's from the wonderful state of Florida; home of Lynelle
2) Intends to make Bobbie's life miserable
And the number one reason we like Carly:
1) She's got spunk

"Connie, come over here!" -- Lucy Coe

June 14th 1996
Top Ten Reasons Carly Is Qualified To Be Mayor of Port Charles
10) Has criminal record
9) Would have been willing to "work" with Damian
8) Not dead
7) Member of Mario Coumo fan club
6) Knows all about the "water" problem
5) Eager to cooperate with Sonny
4) In good with the Quartermaines
3) Popular with voters
2) Really understands the bond issues
And the number one reason Carly is qualified to be Mayor of Port Charles:
1) Back in Florida she was the mayor of Gainesville

GO GATORS!

Top Ten Things That Could Go Wrong At This Year's Nurses' Ball
10) At the first smell of food, Katherine is overwhelmed with passion
9) Miguel shows up
8) Ned forgets words to Baa Baa Black Sheep
7) Luke and Laura just too depressing to be around
6) Carly is color-blind
5) Unconvincing explanation of Steve's absence
4) Dr. Dorman outside picketing
3) Kevin overcome by ryan-esque mood in the middle of comedy routine with Mac
2) Katherine absconds with the evening's donations
And the number one thing that could go wrong at this year's Nurses' Ball:
1) Lucy doesn't strip

July 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Know That Katherine Is Not Yet Reformed
10) Still ordering MacDonald's Fries (Super Size)
9) Slips every once in a while and says "Damian" during the heat of passion
8) Doesn't like Ducks (unless their pressed)
7) Fails to appreciate Garcia's finer qualities
6) Hasn't apologized to Sonny for ratting him out
5) Still ordering Martini's with Three Olives
4) Reginald keeping lethal quantities of Digoxin and Quinobarbitol on hand
3) Lila still won't give her the time of day
2) Resents the fact that Mac has friends
And the number one reasons we know that Katherine is not yet reformed:
1) Rumors abound that she's using slave labor to Manufacture a line of clothes in Southeast Asia

"You'd choose your friend over your lover?" -- Katherine

July 1996
Top Ten Reasons We Don't See Much Of Kevin
10) Becoming one with "snarkiness"
9) Making crank phone calls to Madame Nevermind's psychic hotline
8) Cable company just got the History channel
7) Lucy keeping him very... occupied
6) Joined a high grunge band
5) Learning a foreign language
4) Subbing for Reginald
3) WSB Training
2) Looking for Sigmund
And the number one reason we don't see much of Kevin:
1) HE ISN'T ON!

"Where's my Doc?" -- Lucy Coe

July 1996
Top Ten Things That Put Monica in The Doghouse with Alan
10) Monica still being much smarter than he is
9) A.J. - Alan still not forgetting that damn Rick thing
8) Monica owning the mansion (He gave it to her)
7) Monica being a better surgeon than he'll ever be
6) Monica still appearing sane after being a Quartermaine for 16 to 26 years
5) Monica apparently preferring department store mannequins to Alan
4) Monica saying nice things about HMOs
3) Monica always calling Reginald for next to no reason
2) Monica thinking that having Jax as a shareholder might bring new "life" to ELQ
And the number one thing that puts Monica in the Doghouse with Alan:
1) Monica having enough snowballs to bury him

"Do you want a divorce?" — Alan Quartermaine

August 16th 1996
Top Ten Things On Stefan's To Do List
10) Find more impressive family pet... maybe a Komodo Dragon
9) Send requests for information to various HMOs.. Sign Alan's name
8) Comfort Bobbie... take a shower
7) Touch up the black hair dye
6) Get ready for huge blow-out Halloween party at Windemere
5) Enroll in Kevin's sadistic psych class
4) Taunt Luke a second time
3) Commission a good portrait of Lily
2) Brushing up on his villainous rhetoric... "You will rue the day..." "I hold your fate in my hands..." "You have betrayed us..." "Spencers... I spit on them." "No, Nicholas... I forbid you to go to the mall."
And the number one thing on Stefan's to do list:
1) Dust

"Oh, how easily we forget what we don't care to remember." — Stefan Cassadine

August 16th 1996
Top Ten Things That Carly's Secret Diary Might Contain
10) Confession to Felicia Stalking
9) Upside down cake recipe
8) Secret yen to dye her hair red
7) Sincere admiration of Marilyn Quayle
6) Stern reminders to herself to practice safe sex
5) Long odes to Jason's... attributes
4) Opinion that Tony should use breath mints
3) Misspellings
2) Philisophical discourses on the nature of being and the futility of life
And the number one thing that Carly's secret diary might contain:
1) Limericks

"There once was a hooker named Bobbie
Who slept in a cheap hotel lobby
She was a bit wild
So she gave up her child
And decided to find a new hobby"

August 23rd 1996
The Top Ten Frequently Asked GH/RATSA Questions
10) Are Ned and Lois (Wally and Rena) married in real life?
Answer - Yes. They had chemistry from day one. Were an item on day two and were married this past spring. And, yes they are really having a baby
9) Doesn't anyone remember that Luke raped Laura?
Answer - How could we forget. (If you have, get the tape "Lover's on the Run". The scene is there. It is not ambiguous)
8) Isn't Robert Lucas' father?
Answer - No. Tests showed that Julian Jerome was the father. (The past, however is malleable on Soaps. Witness Laura and Bobbie's recently created offspring.)
7) Does anyone think that bartender at the Outback (and soon to be deception model) looks like Stone.
Answer - Yes, everyone. Even Lucy
6) What do all those acronyms mean?
Answer - Trouble
5) Foster (the Spencer Dog) looks familiar. Where haveI seen him before?
Answer - He was the star of the short lived prime time series "Tequila and Bonnetti"
4) Why isn't Simone in the opening montage?
Answer - They fire her at the end of every week and never expect they will cave into her pleas on Monday. Kidding. She's a non-contract player, who likes the freedom to do other things.
3) Did Steve and Mary Mae die in real life?
Answer - Sadly, yes. Both these wonderful performers, John Beradino and Rodalind Cash, died of Cancer
2) Do they sacrifice Newbies here?
Answer - Yes, but only one a month, so your chances are pretty good. The rest are coddled and offered chocolate
And the number one Frequently Asked Question: (Adrian; look away!)
1) Is that Carly on VR Troopers?
Answer - Yes! That's Sarah Brown, playing VR Trooper, Caitlin. You can tell, because she still has trouble hiding her super-powers

"So, are you still looking for your daughter?" -- Carly

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