September
1995
Top Ten Things Mac/Eve and Sonny Could Do on a Date
10) Hip Hop
9) Overnight camping trip
8) Bungee Jumping
7) Go to the no-name club
6) They could go flaunt their relationship in front of Miguel
and Brenda
5) Karaoke
4) Double date with Luke and Norma
3) Go see "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar"
2) Meaningful discussion about body hair
And the number one thing that Mac/Eve and Sonny could do on a
date:
1) Use the same restroom
"I've got
to hand it to that Corinthos; he really makes a guy feel like
a lady." -- Mac
September
1995
Top Ten Things on Sonny's wish list
10) Wish Harry would stop calling him "Boss" in front of everybody
9) Wish Luke would doing something about his hair
8) Wish Stone would pick up his wet towels off the bathroom floor
7) Wish that British flower Eve would come and sweep him
off his feet and take him away to a tropical island
6) Wish Kevin's therapy rates were more reasonable
5) Wish Ned and Lois would stop asking him for his creative
opinion... he hasn't got any
4) Wish there was a reunion of former Menudo members... in China
3) Wish Mike would get his hand caught in the blender
2) Wish Brenda would get that brain tumor removed
And the number one thing on Sonny's wish list:
1) Wish everyone would just stop asking him how he feels
"When you
wish upon a star..." — Jiminy Cricket
September
1995
The Top Ten Rules For Living Above Kelly's
10) You may be drafted at any time to work behind the counter
9) No waterbeds
8) Food fights punishable by death
7) You break it, you bought it
6) No Quartermaines in the upstairs apartments ever again
5) Ruby has first dibs on all recyclables
4) Number of rooms dimensionally transcendental
3) Ruby can make any judgements she likes about your personal
life and be as rude as she pleases
2) Quarters had better be the only things bouncing on those beds
And the number one rule for living above Kelly's:
1) Ruby's always right
"When you're
living under my roof, you'll follow my rules."-- Ruby
September
1995
Top Ten Things Kevin Learned While Being A Woman
10) High heels invented by Marquis De Sade
9) Crochet (the popcorn stitch)
8) Pantyhose exorbitantly priced
7) More than he wanted to know about the great Goddess Sybilla
6) Felicia has a cruel streak
5) How to apply mascara
4) He does not want to date Luke!
3) Mac can accessorize with best of them
2) Never ever get Lucy really really mad at you
And the number one thing that Kevin learned while being a woman:
1) He has twice as much chance of getting a date
"You owe
Mac an apology. He almost had to go out with Sonny!" -- Kevin
September
1995
Top Ten Signs You've Been Spending Too Much Time On RATSA
10) You know what all the acronyms stand for
9) You compose articles and e-mail on company time
8) You develop a mysterious nervous twitch when deprived of RATSA
for more than forty-eight hours
7) Keep getting All My Children and American Movie Classics mixed
up
6) You take personally the comment "Boy, some of these notes are
way too long"
5) You think you'd ENJOY being an updater
4) You wonder if people who have the same address extension (like
@ix.netcom.com) are related
3) You know everything that's going to happen on your soap a week
or more in advance.... and you STILL watch it
2) You wonder why no one from Llanview ever visits Pine Valley
And the number one sign you've been spending too much time on
RATSA:
1) No longer able to distinguish your identity from your F-C's.
(FAC, FGC, FLC, FOC, whichever).
"I was ROTFL
over the SIDAR, (which BTW was interrupted by YKW) and have decided
to join both MHA and MHGC. Also LOL at the thought of Lu-Lu suffering
from SORAS and dating A.J.."
-- Anonymous Ratsafarian.
If you
understood this sentence you may be a RATSA addict. If you answered
yes to three or more of the above you ARE a RATSA addict.
October
1995
Top Ten Reasons Jagger Thought Stone Wanted Him To Come To
Town
10) Octoberfest
9) Yet another opening for Police Commissioner
8) Gina's been arrested
7) Surprise Party
6) Robin and Stone are getting married
5) Stone needs a car loan
4) Ruby becoming seriously senile, keeps asking for him
3) Brenda has become involved with a non-actin' hair
flippin' fool. Just the sight of him should cure her
2) Annual spelling bee
And the number one reason Jagger thought Stone wanted him to
come to town:
1) Stone needs expert advice on counter-wiping
"I guess
it's not your cup of tea." -- Jagger
October
1995
Top Ten Excuses Bobbie & Alan Will Have When Tony and Monica
Bust 'Em
10) Rochester seminar reconveneing at CATS matinee
9) Possessed by demons
8) Consciences destroyed by hormones
7) Bobbie lost her map to Rochester
6) Alan thought Bobbie was an Endocrinologist
5) Trying to get away from the contaminated water in PC
4) Alan couldn't take anymore of Monica's abuse; at least not
without spiked heels and leather
3) Tony served meatloaf one too many times
2) It's all Lucy's fault
And the number one excuse Bobbie & Alan will have when Tony
and Monica bust 'em:
1) What were they SUPPOSED to use for brains?
"Shame on
you, Barabara Jean Spencer Jones!" -- Lucy
October
1995
Top Ten Obstacles To Katherine And Mac's Relationship
10) Mac won't be able to say diddlysquat about Robin's relationships
now
9) Katherine can't always remember where she left that peanut
butter knife
8) Mac running low on olives
7) Felicia seriously thinking about getting into human sacrifice
6) Hard to run a club and satisfy Katherine at the same time
5) She's bound to discover sooner or later that he's not actually
Australian
4) Impossible for Mac to deny that there were sparks with Sonny
3) Damian liable to sulk
2) Can't double date with Kevin and Lucy
And the number one obstacle to Katherine and Mac's relationship:
1) Door handles
"Is that
fried chicken I smell?" -- Katherine
October
1995
Top Ten Reasons We Haven't Incoporated FGC Reginald Yet
10) Inertia
9) Still seeking just the right image for our coporation
8) We got nervous after the attempted murder of Katy Bell. Didn't
wish to implicate others
7) Afraid it would attract Jackal's attention and we'd have to
play in Gus' stupid game
6) High risk of insider trading
5) We're selfish and territorial and don't want to share "our
Reggie" with anyone
4) Job title "Keeper of the Suspenders" inevitable
3) Feel guilty opening Reg for trading when Officer Rick Johnson
still doesn't have an FGC holder
2) Cook didn't say we could
And the number one reason we haven't incorporated FGC Reginald
yet:
1) Nobody asked
"Maybe someone
is hungry or something." -- Reginald
October
31st 1995
Top Ten Really Scary Things In Port Charles
10) Mac and Katherine enjoying brunch
9) Luke's Hair
8) The Nedling on the move
7) Officer Johnson: Port Charles' Finest
6) Lucy on a caffeine high
5) Steve pondering
4) Kevin can't balance his checkbook
3) Ruby's dinner special
2) Sonny has many more Childhood Stories
And the number one really scary thing in Port Charles:
1) Cook
"That's
your fear, not mine." -- Mac
November
5th 1995
Top Ten People Who Might Be Monica's Secret Admirer
10) Alan - misaddressed packages meant to send them to Bobbie
9) Ryan - getting really bored in Canada
8) Ned - and he's lying about it just to keep in practice
7) Tom Hardy - Monica's the real reason he came back to Port Charles
6) Kevin - well, he could have painted the portrait. (Though we'd
have expected mushrooms sprouting out of her head if he had)
5) Miguel - now feels he's far enough away to safely express his
true desires
4) Reginald - Italian Poetry, you bet; Artistic, yup; saved all
year for the necklace
3) Sonny - Lily just not enough to satisfy him
2) Tony - how do you like it when your spouse is romancing your
"best friend" Bobbie?
And the number one person who might be Monica's Secret Admirer:
1) Sigmund; wants Monica to adopt him if Mommy and Daddy don't
get back together
"Quack,
quack, quack,quackquackquaackquackquack." -- Sigmund
Nov 12th
1995
Top Ten Reasons We Desperately Miss Miguel
10) The eeire silence upstairs at Kelly's
9) No seasonal murder mystery with our favorite victim
8) Now so few opportunities to brush up on our Spanish insult
hurling
7) Miguel/Ruby romance now out of the question
6) No one to interject "mumble, mumble, mumble, que?" when it
needs to be said
5) Now Officer Johnson will have to empty the bed pans at GH,
and serve drinks at the Outback, and maybe get a
record contract
4) Brenda gets so pathetic and hangs all over Sonny when she's
not getting any
3) The Q boys hair flippin' skills are so weak, nobody to pick
up the slack
2) Mac is inconsolable
And the number one reason we desperately miss Miguel:
1) There'll be no more Tricky Miggy to kick around anymore
"And you
had Miguel." -- Stone Cates
November
14th 1995
Top Ten Things Kevin Does At The Lighthouse Now That Lucy Doesn't
Visit
10) Makes bread
9) Plays with all the cool equipment Mac left behind
8) Watches Starsky and Hutch marathons on TNT
7) Does nightly cleansing rituals to get rid of Bill Eckert's
ghost
6) Get's stinkin' drunk on San Sebastian wine
5) Scientific experiments with cappuccino machine
4) Makes crank calls to Psychic Hotline
3) Lovingly prepares Sigmund's duck pond
2) Sneers at Jeopardy contestants
And the number one thing Kevin does at The Lighthouse now that
Lucy doesn't visit:
1) Corresponds with e-mail pal Razzleberry Peel
HAPPY
BIRTHDAY RAZZ!!!!!!!
November
30th 1995
Top Ten Suspects, and Their Confessions, IF Damian is Murdered
10) Justus Ward -- "Rat-boy tried to build a Wal-Mart on my turf.
It was justifiable homicide"
9) Dr. Kevin Collins -- "DAM-i-an shouldn't go around messing
with a serial-killer's twin brother"
8) Katy Bell -- "I was afraid for my life. Well... maybe not for
my life, but Damian was threatening to cut off
my caviar supply. Same thing"
7) The Nedling -- "Grandfather said to 'take care' of Damian,
and I took that to heart"
6) Lucy Coe -- "I finally got a look at that aura of his"
5) Mac Scorpio -- "What can I say?... testosterone overload"
4) Dr. Tony Jones -- "I finally snapped and decided to kill all
of Bobbie's lovers... this could take a while"
3) Frank Smith -- "I wasn't really dead. I just wanted to see
how my kid ran the business. He really screwed up"
2) Harry Silver -- "Hey, I was just protectin' our boy Sonny.
That Smith kid doublecrossed him"
And the number one suspect and his confession IF Damian is murdered:
1) Sigmund, The Duck -- "Quack, quack, quack, quackety, quack,
quack, quack, quack, quackety, quack, *squawk*"
Translation - It was an accident. He was trying to show me how
to operate the snow-blower and things got out of
hand ... er.... web.
November 30th 1995
Top Ten Suspects, and Their Confessions, If Justus is Murdered
10) Ryan Chamberlain -- "I'm baaaaccckkkk... and I thought I'd
start with someone who is definitely not blonde. I
HATE being pigeonholed"
9) Damian -- "We were laying the parking lot for CS Emporium and
he jumped right in front of my steamroller"
8) Keesha -- "He called me 'Little Bit' one too many times"
7) Amy -- "He rejected my offer to bear him a child"
6) Edward -- "All the trouble I have with grandkids... I just
wanted to get rid of an extra one"
5) Simone -- "It was self-defense. He was boring me to death"
4) A.J. -- "Well, I get blamed for everything else. Might as well
take the rap for this too"
3) The Writers -- "Justifiable character assassination"
2) Tom -- "It was an accident. I didn't mean to poison him, shoot
him, stab him, strangle him, bludgeon him
with a large santa-fe style vase and drop him off the ELQ Tower.
It could have happened to anyone"
And the number one suspect, and his confession, if Justus is murdered:
1) Sigmund -- "That DAMN snow-blower again!"
"I'd like
you to put out an APB on a missing duck." -- Justus Ward, City
Councilman
Dec 2nd
1995
Top Ten Things Garcia Does On His Own Time
10) Crochets
9) Meets Lily Rivera clandestinely in the catacombs
8) Spends a day at the races with his good buddy, Harry
7) Corpse prospecting at the ELQ Factory
6) Occasionally knocks back beers with the Canadian Mounties
5) Tries to figure out why Councilman Ward is putting out APBs
on Ducks
4) Jogs around town in spandex
3) Watches "Car 54"; sympathizes with Toody
2) Sends Sean monosyllabic updates
And the number one thing Garcia does on his own time:
1) Surfs the internet lookin' for Babes
"What I
do on my own time is my own business." -- Garcia
Dec 6th
1995
Top Ten Things Sigmund is Thinking of Doing to Officer Johnson
for "Just Doing His Duty"
10) Calling police headquarters and quacking up a storm
9) Fouling that brand new fountain in front of the Mayor's mansion
8) Dropping a note to Bobbie Spencer Jones professing undying
love and signing it Rick Johnson
7) Sick the bunny-lovers on him
6) Frame him for the snow-blower murders
5) Send him a bunch of Lassie tapes
4) Eat all his popcorn before the big game
3) Anonymous Christmas Gift - Miguel Morez CD
2) Make a strong suggestion that Officer Johnson migrate south
for the winter
And the number one thing Sigmund is thinking of doing to Officer
Johnson for "just doing his duty"
1) Give Garcia the tip that Johnson is Harry's source
"My source
is very reliable." -- Harry
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