July 1993 - August 1993

This was our very first Top Ten List. (It refers to Ryan's surprise that Felicia was not a ghost as they had begun to make him believe.) Keep in mind that, as our first try, it lacks the finesse and structure we later developed.

July 16th 1993
The Top Ten Things Dead People Don't Do (For Ryan Chamberlain's Future Reference)
10) They don't make phone calls
9) They don't pig out like Felicia used to
8) They don't smoke (unless you light them)
7) They don't use computers, especially not ones with scanners
6) They don't leave messages with Nurse Bobbie
5) They don't deceive anybody, criticize them, or tell them they're not
good enough
4) They don't run projectors or tape recorders
3) They don't giggle in their coffins
2) They don't sing "You Are My Sunshine" (Thank God!)
And the number one thing that dead people don't do:
1) Dead people don't bleed

These are from July 1993, when we were most dissatified with the show. It just doesn't get any lower than Boxing. No, sorry; it did get lower, when the "stripping" was introduced.

July 17th 1993
Top Ten Possible Reasons Bill is Acting Like a Total Jerk
10) Contaminated San Sebastian wine Paloma served
9) Replaced by pod person
8) Secretly desires sex-change operation
7) Knows everyone's just waiting for Luke
6) Sly slipping small amounts of arsenic into his morning coffee
5) Lighthouse too high; brain deprived of oxygen
4) Mom always liked Jenny best
3) Mad scientist has implanted brain control device
2) Worships Joey Buttafucco
And the number one reason Bill is acting like a total jerk:
1) He is one

July 17th 1993
Top Ten Things Jagger Worries About
10) Are socks the same color?
9) Cost of elocution lessons
8) Boxing gloves: which one's right, which one's left?
7) When will PCU offer a course in Zen car repair?
6) Karen's sweater: why does she wear it like that?
5) Does vaseline cause cancer?
4) Rent coincidentally the same as paycheck
3) Now that Felicia's joined the gym, could I take her?
2) Sexual harrassment from female customers
And the number one thing Jagger worries about:
1) Global Warming

July 18th 1993
Top Ten Reasons GH Has Been Really Bad Lately
10) Writers have been replaced by Pod people
9) Not enough screen time for Reginald
8) All the really interesting people are dead or missing
7) Chemistry in Port Charles is just another science class at PCU
6) Leslie Charleson and Stuart Damon haven't consulted their phone psychics this month
5) Writers HAVEN'T been replaced by pod people.
4) Stories? What stories?
3) Bill Eckert suffering from PMS
2) Boxing
And the number one reason GH has been really bad lately:
1) No Ryan

Even back in July of 1993 rumors abounded that TPTB intended to create a twin for Ryan, and though he wouldn't appear for another six months we wrote this list for Kevin. That summer was a long hot Ryanless period and we also wrote how we imagined the character was spending his time.

July 19th 1993
Top Ten Reasons Ryan's Twin Won't Enjoy His Stay in Port Charles
10) New special at Kelly's: "Road-Kill Squid"
9) Quartermaine Cable Co. provides fuzzy reception
8) Jenny Eckert might want to decorate his new apartment; could get ugly
7) Police Commissioner just can't get over that little up-scuddle about the serial killings
6) Might have to go on a date with Amy; could get ugly
5) Bill Eckert about to go on psycho-killing spree; anyone could get hurt
4) Julia in bad mood; PC Hotel rates have soared
3) Potential love interest Felicia has taken up boxing, and is looking into archery lessons; could get ugly
2) Mac Scorpio too dumb to tell the difference between Ryan and his twin; might grab his lapels
And the number one reason Ryan's twin won't enjoy his stay in Port Charles:
1) Has to keep up ratings all by himself

July 19th 1993
Top Ten Reasons Karen Broke Up With Jagger
10) Hated his new shaving lotion
9) Got tired of correcting his grammar
8) Boxing, a big turn off
7) Didn't like her clothes; she could tell
6) Window shade in his room bothered her
5) All of Brenda's dresses zip up the back
4) Secretly in love with psycho-killer Ryan Chamberlin. Wow, what a babe!
3) Won't let her have the remote and doesn't know how to use it himself.
2) Got bugs in her teeth riding on the back of his motorcycle.
And the number reason why Karen broke up with Jagger:
1) He's prettier than she is

July 20th 1993
Top Ten Reasons You Should Ask to be Transferred to Mercy Hospital if You're Taken to GH
10) Meg and Amy making crank calls; too busy to help patients
9) Their only really good doctor is in prison for multiple murders; hospital now severly understaffed
8) Tony Jones' bedside manner
7) Steve Hardy in foul mood; might pop your IV
6) Hospital is haunted by Felicia
5) No one's picked up the bodies in the morgue yet
4) Every floor looks the same; you're certain to get lost
3) The only psychiatrist is busy treating the staff
2) Janitorial crew doesn't care if you're being chased by a psycho-killer
And the number one reason you should ask to be transferred to Mercy Hospital if you're taken to General:
1) Nurse Bobbie

July 21st 1993
Top Ten Ways GH Could Get Better
10) Hire new writers (we're serious)
9) Make Wendy Richie watch the show
8) Add time travel storyline
7) Have characters with I.Q.s higher than GH's ratings
6) Launch movie career for Antonio Sabato Jr.
5) Drop hint to Karen about her clothes
4) End storylines once in a while
3) Get rid of the boxing
2) How about some humor -"Humor: The quality that makes something seem funny, amusing or ludicrous; comicality." Websters Dictionary - (We thought they might need a definition.)
And the number one way GH could get better:
1) Put Ryan back on

July 21st 1993
Top Ten Things Ryan Thinks About in Jail
10) Felicia, does she really love me?
9) Felicia, wonder what she's doing right now?
8) Felicia, will she visit me?
7) Felicia, hope she hasn't taken up boxing
6) What was that moving in dinner last night?
5) Felicia, what color eyes would our children have?
4) Felicia, perhaps she would have preferred daisies
3) Felicia, is she still mad about the Maxie thing?
2) Felicia, should have given her a bigger dose of the amnesia drug
And the number one thing Ryan thinks about in jail:
1) Missed Star Trek: The Next Generation season ending cliffhanger

July 23rd 1993
Top Ten Things That Make Alan Quartermaine Really Angry
10) Reginald not having tea ready at four o'clock
9) Jason forgetting he's illegitimate
8) 40+ and still lives with parents
7) Monica much smarter than he is
6) Hilary Clinton devoted to Bill
5) Meg and Amy won't take his phone calls
4) TV Guide crossword puzzles too hard
3) Nobody ever filled him in on the Ryan thing
2) Father's looking different but no one seems to notice
And the number one thing that makes Alan really angry:
1) A.J. isn't Rick Weber's son.

July 24th 1993
Top Ten Reasons We Think Ryan's Really Innocent
10) He loves children
9) He was so nice to Felicia
8) He saved Robin from choking
7) His hair: everyone knows serial killers have crewcuts
6) Steve and Audrey: still alive
5) No bodies
4) That confession was bogus
3) He likes flowers
2) He doesn't like Mac
And the number one reason we think Ryan's really innocent:
1) He said so. Why would he lie?

Holly left Port Charles at the same time we left Prodigy and went to NVN at the end of July 1993. This list contains the first mention of the infamous "Lego Sculpture".

July 25th 1993
Top Ten Reasons Holly Decided To Leave Port Charles
10) Can't get a really good cup of tea anywhere in town
9) Port Charles Hotel room service very bad now that A.J. is in charge
8) Job at Outback only paid minimum wage
7) Most valuable display at Port Charles museum: Lego Sculpture.
6) Luke coming back to town; don't need the aggravation
5) Can't take the suspense of waiting for Ryan's trial anymore
4) Mac and Felicia: enough said
3) Australian cruise special she couldn't pass up
2) Bill's hair
And the number one reason Holly decided to leave Port Charles:
1) Bill: everything else about the two-timing S.O.B.

July 1993
Top Ten Ways They Could Kill Off Bill Eckert
10) Chokes to death on peeled grape
9) Killed in shootout with Luke
8) Stoned to death by irate citizens
7) Drowned in lake; probably nothing to do with anchor
6) Ryan gives him amnesia drug and Bill forgets to breathe
5) Has Felicia Flip drink at Outback
4) Listens to Mac complain about Felicia: bored to death
3) Wonders how lighthouse works: electrocuted
2) Victoria boobytraps the staircase before she leaves
And the number one way they could kill off Bill Eckert:
1) Kidnapped by neo-nazis, tortured until they find he knows nothing, whatsoever. Released to die in Sahara desert. Trampled by camel stampede. Survives and is taken hostage by maniacal scientist conducting experiments in sexual deprivation. Accidentally rescued by UN Task Force. Accidentally
thrown over-board on trip home. Swims to tropical island, inhabited by cannibals. Worshipped as a god. Chokes to death on peeled grape.

July 1993
Jagger's Top Ten Scientific Theories
10) The further you get from the city the brighter the stars are
9) Women: a different species
8) Nice clothes make you smarter
7) Ruby's coffee made from penzoil and herb tea
6) If you wait long enough the dishes will wash themselves
5) Boxing: an art
4) Palm Reading: hey, maybe there is something to it
3) The more ice you put in the cup, the less soda you can put in
2) The farther you get from things the smaller they look
And Jagger's number one scientific theory:
1) "Yeah, I must have a father."

It was August of '93 and Katy had just shown up, we still hated Bobbie, Julia had hired A.J. for the hotel, and Felicia wanted to find Jagger's brother.

August 1993
Top Ten Things That Are None of Bobbie's Business
10) Who Scotty has in his apartment
9) What Karen does when she's not at work
8) Monica and Alan's sex life
7) Jessica's medical charts
6) Anything in or on Ryan's desk
5) How the VCR works (at least, that's what Tony tells her)
4) Tiffany's choice of reading materials.
3) What Maxie and BJ are doing with Baby Alive
2) The condition of Ryan's office and clothing
And the number one thing that isn't any of Bobbie's business:
1) Rocket Science

August 1993
Top Ten Reasons Ned Would Like To Fire A.J.
10) Needs a new haircut
9) Tells bad hotel jokes: i.e. "Room Service, I want some ice water." "I'll send up an onion: that'll make your eyes water."
8) You can't trust a Quartermaine; Ned should know
7) Reads comic books on duty; well, at least looks at the pictures
6) Running a crap game in the penthouse
5) Wants to have boxing matches in the spa
4) Thinks computer can see him
3) Wants to do Julia a favor
2) Caught stealing shower caps from rooms
And the number one reason Ned would like to fire A.J.:
1) He looked at him funny

August 1993
Felicia's Top Ten Detective Methods
10) Sing until they talk
9) Hang out in bars and wait for the right guy to hit on her
8) Dress up like a boy
7) Call the Police Commissioner and ask him for a favor
6) Nag Mac until he gets off his butt and does something
5) Hide in Bobbie's attic and make crank phone calls
4) Pretend to be dead
3) Talk until they sing
2) Write threatening E-Mail
And Felicia's number one detective method:
1) Imagine you solved the case

Looking over these lists from early August 93 you might notice a teeny bit of Obsession with Ryan and hostility towards his enemies (Mac, Sean, Felicia). This was caused by Jon deprivation. Not a pretty sight. We have since learned that two additional items give Sean a headache: White wine and Luke Spencer.

Top Ten Indications That Mac is a Neanderthal
10) The way he eats
9) Doesn't seem to need money to live
8) Has to shave six times a day... his palms, too
7) Still wonders how garbage disposal works: loses spoons
6) Moves lips while reading menu at Outback, even though he knows it by heart
5) Believes polygamy is... okay
4) Natural rapport with Jagger
3) His eyebrows
2) Thinks fire is gift from Gods
And the number one indication that Mac is a Neanderthal:
1) Doesn't know that all women, Felicia in particular, are smarter than he is

Top Ten Things That Give Sean a Headache
10) Cops that leave their posts while guarding ALLEGED serial killers
9) Tiffany home too early: no time to refill ice cube trays
8) Ned in bad mood; PC Hotel rates now astronomical
7) Cappucino machine at Police Department broken
6) "Beauty and the Beast" tunes won't stop running through his head
5) Can't even trust Mac to pour water in a flower vase
4) Eating ice cream too fast
3) Felicia's voice
2) Jessica using his parking space again
And the number one thing that gives Sean a headache:
1) He knows Ryan is REALLY innocent

Top Ten Names Felicia Can Use While Undercover As a Runaway
10) Garnet
9) Diamond
8) Topaz
7) Emerald
6) Fred
5) Parking Meter
4) Brutus
3) Muffy
2) Very Small Rock
And the number one name Felicia can use while undercover as a runaway:
1) Mrs. Ryan Chamberlain (We know she can't use that; we just like to hear his name.)

On August 12th 1993 Ryan returned and his Trial began. Karen and Jagger were having their star-crossed problems and Scotty just would not stop talking about Dead Dominique.

Top Ten Excuses Karen and Jagger Have for Not Showing Up at Work
10) Looking for lost siblings
9) Boyfriend problems
8) Need time to clobber that jerk A.J.
7) Mother might be having a fling with richest guy in town; have to talk to her about it right away
6) Have to work out at Gym every night now that women are allowed in
5) Went to Rave club last night: have an awful apple juice hangover.
4) Girlfriend problems
3) Have to drop off black dress at dry cleaners
2) Why work? Brenda can support me now
And the number one excuse Karen and Jagger have for not showing up at work:
1) Barney the Dinosaur marathon on PBS.

August 1993
Top Ten Ways to Kill Off Dominique, For Good
10) A stake through the heart
9) Lots and lots of garlic
8) A silver bullet
7) Expose her to sunlight
6) Hire an exorcist
5) Tell her to go towards the light
4) Bury her six feet deeper
3) Cremation/Burning
2) Play "If I Could" at 5000 decibles, over and over
And the number one way to kill off Dominque, For Good:
1) Tie her to a chair and make her watch tapes of GH from the entire month of July

August 1993
Top Ten Things Ryan's Going To Do WHEN He's Found Innocent
10) Water plants: the ones that haven't died
9) Clean out refrigerator; bean dip looks dangerous
8) Install new security system; saw Mac and Sean buying spraypaint
7) Put in application at Mercy Hospital but don't put Steve Hardy down as a reference
6) Send thank you notes to the jury
5) Say scary things to Jessica and watch her squirm
4) Call Meg and Amy, hang up
3) Put lawyer Jon Russell on retainer
2) Plant another rose garden for Felicia; buy bullet proof vest
And the number one thing Ryan's going to do WHEN he's found innocent:
1) Watch tape Lydia sent him of Star Trek: The Next Generation season-ending cliffhanger

Well, here's a special treat for any OLTL fans out there. This is the one of only two "One Life To Live" lists we've done. We follow the show sporadically. This was when Cord had amnesia. We did not guess the correct name for Scott's baby, or Jenny Eckert's real fantasy (not to be written out of the show).

Top Ten Things That REALLY Scare Cord
10) Countries with made up names
9) Tina with PMS
8) Angela's wig
7) Cain might figure out he's just faking amnesia to sleep with Tina
6) Tunnels
5) Going to public places with Asa
4) Vicki giving advice
3) C.J. Doesn't look anything like him
2) Tina might figure out he's just trying to avoid paying child support
And the number one thing that REALLY scares Cord:
1) Puppets, Tina, puppets!

August 14th 1993
Jenny Eckert's Top Ten Fantasies
10) Hotel burns down; she gets to design the new one
9) Bill is actually adopted: not a blood relation
8) Hair color will stabilize
7) Senator Kensington caught with thirteen year old and forced to flee country
6) Paul gets a personality
5) Ned, a jacuzzi and a bottle of champagne
4) Win Nobel Prize for interior design
3) Frontburner storyline
2) Lila dies and leaves it all to her
And Jenny Eckert's number one fantasy:
1) Strap on Rambo gear: rescue psycho-killer Ryan Chamberlain from jail

August 1993 Top Ten Possible Names for Scotty/Dom/Lucy's Baby
10) Butthead
9) Tombstone
8) Pepe
7) Hemlock
6) Riche
5) Fresca
4) Heathcliffe
3) Lump of Coal
2) Saccharine
And the number one possible name for S/D/L's baby:
1) Emmy

Trial time, the introduction of New Edward (We took David Lewis's departure hard). Take a look at reason number five on the next list. Is it just a coincidence that Jon used this line on Lucy some months later. You decide.

August 16th 1993
Top Ten GH Spinoff Series
10) Home Decorating with Jenny Eckert - Tips from your favorite red-head, er...blonde, whatever
9) My Man Reginald - Sitcom: Starring Stephen T. Kay as that zany Quartermaine butler. Domestic comedy
8) Felicia P.I. - Hour long drama. Felicia moves to the Bahamas and solves crimes with the aid of her lackey, Mac
7) Breakfast for Tiffany - Sitcom: After losing his job, Sean devotes himself to life as a househusband
6) The Amy Vining Show - Talk Show: All the latest Port Charles gossip
5) I Love Lucy Coe - Sitcom: Scotty and Lucy move to NewYork City. Scotty joins a Rumba band and Lucy starts a perfume line, made with vegavitavegamin. "Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do."
4) Mr. Ned - Sitcom: Ned adopts a talking Emu, but only he can hear it. Gives him good stock tips
3) P.C. Law - Hour long Drama: Paul and Jessica open a law firm together with inevitable personality conflicts; she's got one, he doesn't
2) Scorpio: The Next Generation - Sci-Fi: Casey returns from Lumina. Revives Robert and Anna, retrieves Robin and they begin an ongoing adventure among the stars
And the number one GH spinoff series:
1) Ryan Chamberlain, M.D. - Hour long medical drama: In between cases of chicken pox and mumps, Ryan Chamberlain romances blondes, and takes up gardening.

August 18th 1993
Top Ten Reasons We Know That New Guy's Not Really Edward
10) Real Edward never said nice things to Lila; he just grunted
9) Real Edward never thought Tracy would make a good CEO
8) Real Edward couldn't care less about the hotel books
7) Even Alan suspects it's not really Edward
6) New guy's voice two octaves higher
5) New guy's clothes are ironed
4) Real Edward didn't train Ned: unless you count the sink or swim method
3) Real Edward never acknowledged A.J.'s existence, much less offered to do him a favor
2) Real Edward never left the Quartermaine mansion
And the number one reason we know that new guy is not really Edward:
1) They haven't changed the credits yet

August 19th 1993
Top Ten Things That Give Ryan "Terrible Pounding Headaches"
10) Waiting eight weeks in jail for a three day trial
9) Monthly billing reports: can never get them done on time
8) Telephones that won't stop ringing
7) Getting Jon Russell's bill
6) Jessica doesn't get his jokes
5) Felicia doesn't either
4) Projector lights and Felicia's disembodied voice
3) Spray paint fumes
2) In court: Bobbie sitting behind him; his trial and he gets no dialogue; Mac snapping his bubble gum; three day trial anticlimatic after gaslighting; Felicia won't stop staring at him
And the number one thing that gives Ryan a "Terrible Pounding Headache"
1) The song "Weak for Love"

August 27th 1993
Top Ten Things Katherine Is Interested In
10) Breakfast
9) Bilking millionaires out of a couple of hundred thou
8) Lunch
7) Remembering her heyday on DOOL
6) Dinner
5) Sniffing men's clothing; probably looking for food
4) Late night snacks
3) Faking photos of childhood friends she didn't really have
2) Collecting a hefty paycheck for being a plot complication
And the number one thing Katherine is interested in:
1) Notorious Port Charles catacombs; knows adored psycho-killer, Ryan Chamberlain, will be there any day now

August 28th 1993
Top Ten Suspects And Their Motives In Jessica's Murder
10) Bobbie - Jessica found out about her releasing confidential medical information. Threatened to tell medical ethics committee
9) Ryan - What she did to him wasn't very nice. It made him angry and gave him a "terrible pounding headache". He couldn't help it; he just fell apart
8) Felicia - Blames Jessica for Ryan not being given the death penalty. Despite the fact that New York doesn't do that
7) Mac - It was an accident. The statue slipped right out of his hands
6) Jon Russell - Not used to losing
5) Amy - Jessica not actually pregnant. Amy faked the charts for her, but then threatened to blackmail Jessica and tell Sean she wasn't really preggers. A struggle ensued and Amy found the statue to hand
4) COUGHERS - One of them got sick and tired of her smirk and took justice into their own hands
3) Tiffany - Could you blame her. Jessica's tried to take her man away and, lets face it, Tiffany isn't getting that many more opportunites to hold on to a guy
2) Sean - Not man enough to tell Tiffany about the baby; afraid Jessica would... and she was in his parking space again
And the number one suspect and his motive:
1) Bill Eckert - Jessica's the beginning of his psycho- killing spree

OUR MAILBOX

To write and shower us with praise use the following address:
EvilTwin@velvetsofa.com

Thank you for looking back at these earliest of our Top Ten Lists. They are,
of course, written by Teresa and Tracy Murray. We admit some of the humor is
dated, but nonetheless we'd like to take the credit.

You have reached... http://muppetlabs.com/~davidj/tnt/tnt93.htm
Thank you for visitng our little web site.
Copyright Teresa and Tracy Murray (T 'n' T) 1993 - 2003.
Page design entitled "Top Ten Rainbow".
Last updated October 2003.

David Letterman is perfectly free to claim Top Ten Lists as his intellectual property, as far as we're concerned. Bless his heart!