Scott's Place - Spring Five Years Ago.
Katherine: Hi, I'm Katherine Crawford, Dom's old childhood friend.
Scott: I'm Scott. I'm depressed. Dom died and Lucy is
carrying our unborn child.
Katherine: Dead?! Oh, I had no idea, and here I was going
to ask for her help.
Scott: Help with what?
Katherine: Oh, never mind, don't worry your little buzz-cut
head about it. Let me tell you all about Dom and
what close friends we were.
Lucy: Who's this tart you're talking with? Just when I
thought I had a clear field, you take up with a blonde
bimbo.
Scott: She's Dom's old friend. She can do no wrong. Be
nice to her.
Lucy: You just take her word for it? When all your
attention should be centered on me? Well, I'll put
a stop to this.
Scott: She reminds me of Dom.
Lucy: She reminds me of the stuff that grows in the back
of the refrigerator when you forget you left a fruit
salad back there.
Katherine: I am completely innocent.
By Doms's grave.
Scott: Gee, I miss Dom.
Katherine: I know how you feel. I really miss my dead husband Harold, too....no, not Harold, Carl! No, not Carl. Ummm.... She flips through notebook to check. Charles, that was it, Charles.
Scott: You're so sympathetic. You're so much like Dom.
In front of the PC Hotel
Scott: Tell me more about how close you and Dom were,
Katherine. I have to talk about her constantly
to display my grief.
Katherine: Well, we used to laugh and talk and make undying promises to help each other when we were in dire financial need. Let's cross the street to the hotel.
A car screeches down the street.
Lucy: (Coming out the hotel doors.) Watch out!
Katherine is narrowly missed by the car.
Scott: Thanks for saving Katherine's life, Lucy.
Lucy: Drat, what a time to have a nice reflex.
Scott: Katherine, do you suppose someone could be trying to kill you?
Katherine: Don't worry your head about my troubles Scott. I'll make out okay even if I'm in such terrible danger.
New York: Outside Katherine's Apartment.
Scott: It will be so nice to see all the lovely Dom
memorabilia you told me about.
Katherine: Sure, Scott, come on in.
The apartment is in a shambles.
Katherine: Oh, no, burglars! And they trashed all my Dom
stuff. New York City is so unsafe.
Scott: Are you sure somebody isn't after you, Katherine.
Katherine: Weeeelll.... maybe there is. My husband... my beloved dead husband, was in trouble with loan sharks. That's the ticket. Yeah, really mean nasty loan sharks who harass innocent widows.
Scott: Oh, no, come and stay with me. I'll protect you until I can get those nasty loan sharks off your back.
Scott's Apartment.
Katherine: You don't have to repay the five hundred
thousand, really Scott. Those mean nasty
sharks can only make me a bit dead.
Scott: No, Dom has infected me with nobility and I must defend those in need, like yourself. You were her friend. I'd do anything for her friend. Besides I'm filthy rich now and that's just a drop in the bucket.
Lucy enters
Lucy: Is she still here? She's just after your money,
Scott. How can you possibly trust the little wench.
Scott: Lucy how can you be suspicious!? She's Dom's friend!
Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom,
Scott drifts into a trance.
Lucy: Oh, boy! I'll just have to find proof.
A Back Alley,
After Scott has delivered the requested money to the "loan sharks".
Loan Shark 1: We got da dough.
Loan Shark 2: Yeah, now we gotta wait for the big boss so's we can split da take.
Katherine: Well, I'm here, you shmucks. Here's your twenty bucks each. Bwaaahahahaha. I've bilked that bumpkin Scott for a bundle. But you know he is kinda cute, maybe I'll stick around and see what other tidbits I can pick up out of the trash cans of my betters.
The Office of Deception.
Scott: Julia, Katherine was such a good friend of Dom's
let's give her a job, so I have a constant reminder
of Dom beside me.
Julia: Sure, why not. We'll put her in charge of public relations.
Lucy: What!? You've been taken in, too? Am I the only one with a brain in this company?
A hotel in Canada,
Where a perfume convention is going on, Katherine has been sent
to represent Deception.
Katherine wanders about the hotel room, sniffing a man's
clothing, while we hear the shower running. A knock comes
on the door.
Scott: It's me sweetness, your snoogums, Scotty.
Katherine: Scott! Wait a sec; I'm not decent.
She hurriedly begins hiding clothes.
Scott: Honeybunch, we're in Canada, it's cold out here.
Katherine:(cracking the door open.) The room's a mess, Snoogums. I'll meet you in the Lobby in ten minutes.
Scott: Okay, fine, bunnykins.
Katherine: (Leans against door.) *Whew* That was close.
The PC Hotel Lobby
Damian enters. Ned sees him.
Ned: Old buddy, old pal, old friend. What are you doing
here?
Damian: Old buddy, old pal, old friend. Remember those great days at Prep school? I'm here looking into business opportunities... yeah, that's the ticket.
Ned: Have you met Katherine?
Damian: No! Never seen her before in my life wouldn't know her from moldy fruit salad. Why would you think I might have ever met her. Nope, no way.
Katherine: I've never met him either. I never sniffed his clothes!
Ned: Right, whatever.
Damian's Hotel Room.
Damian and Katherine snuggle in bed with a cold cut platter.
Katherine: Scott doesn't suspect a thing.
Damian: So let's take the money and run.
Katherine: No, I want more, more, more, more! I'll marry Scott, take half his fortune and then we can go off to Paris together.
Damian: You airhead. You're sure to fall in love with the dope and dump me. Plus, I don't like the idea of you sleeping with him in the meantime.
Katherine: I won't sleep with him, I'll just marry him and make everyone think the marriage was consummated.
Damian: Sure, right, that could happen. But since you do happen to have the five hundred thou, give me a chunk of it so I can by a percent or two of ELQ.
Katherine: Sure, babe, no problem. But give me a half -percent.
At a Pumpkin Farm around Halloween.
Scott: This is a nice big pumpkin. I love you, Katherine.
Katherine: And I really do love you, Scott. At least I'm pretty sure I do. Somebody told me this would happen.
Scott: You're just like Dom.
Lucy goes to Dom's Childhood Estate To Investigate Katherine's claim to be Dom's friend. She finds the real Katherine Crawford still residing nearby. KC identifies the imposter as Katherine Bell, the cook's daughter in Dom's father's house.
The PC Hotel Grille.
Lucy: Guess what, Scott. Katherine isn't who she claims to
be and I can prove it.
Scott: No, you can't. She is Dom's friend and perfect.
Katherine: Yes, I'm perfectly innocent.
Lucy: Oh yeah, look....
The real Katherine Crawford enters. Katy runs out, horrified.
The Real Katherine: That's just the cook's daughter pretending to be me. Some nerve, eh?
Scott: Yeah, she's got some explaining to do.
Katherine's Hotel room.
Scott: Explain yourself, wench.
Katherine: Yes, I am the cook's daughter, but I am also Dom's illegitimate half-sister. My mean old Dad wouldn't acknowledge me. And Dom's mean friends like Real Katherine abused me. Only Dom loved me. So you can love me, too, can't you, snoogums?
Scott: Yes, oh, yes, I will make up for all the misery those nasty people caused you. Marry me, Katherine Bell sort-of Stanton.
Scott leaves and Lucy is waiting outside.
Lucy: So did you really give it to her?
Scott: The wedding's in three weeks.
Lucy: Hoo, boy!
The Wedding: At the Altar
Preacher: Can anyone here show just cause why these two
shouldn't be joined in Holy Matrimony?
Lucy: Me! Me, Me, Me, Me, Me! I know just cause. (Pulls Scott away from the altar. Shows him a letter.) Look goof brain, here's proof. The letter Katherine sent to Dom, when she supposedly didn't know Dom was dead. It's signed, Crawford. If Dom knew and loved her and would presumbably recognize her when she got to town, why would Katherine sign it with her alias, unless she already knew Dom was dead, and this has been a scam from day one. Damian gave me the clue, nice of him, wasn't it?
Scott: You're right! My heart is broken. Katherine how could you do this to me? Lucy how could you do this to me. I am depressed again. He leaves.
Katherine: (Glaring at Lucy) Curses, foiled again!
The Outback
Katherine: Mac, I hired you to prove I'm Dom's sister.
What did you dig up?
Mac: How apt. I dug up samples of Dom's wedding dress that had her father's blood on it. (Long story - Dom's first marriage.) The blood type shows you probably are Stanton's daughter.
Katherine: Joy! I'm vindicated. Now Scott will take me back.
Mac: Newsflash, Katherine, nobody cares if you're Dom's sister.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again!
Katherine hangs around as the town pariah. The baby is born, Scott leaves town, Mac pours her drinks at the Outback. Damian engineers the ELQ takeover of Deception.
The ELQ Offices
Katherine: Hire me, Ned. With all the bad publicity this
Toxic thingy is going to engender, you'll need
a public relations whiz like me.
Ned: You're right. Work up a publicity campaign for us.
Kath leaves and runs into Damian.
Damian: Hey, this my turf! Don't go screwing up my plans.
Katherine: I don't care about your plans. I've set my sights on the Nedling. Nothing serious; just marriage.
Damian: You'll run out of millionaires eventually, you know.
The ELQ Board Meeting.
Katy's campaign is presented.
Ned: And we have enough votes to pass the Toxic thingy
what with Damian's big ol' 37% hunk of ELQ.
Katherine: Make that 36.5 percent. He gave me a half -percent.
Damian: It's true, I did. Don't ask me why, because I haven't got a really good lie ready.
Katherine: And that point five percent is the swing vote. So convince me to vote your way, Ned. *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*.
Ned: Anything for the company.
A Ski Lodge
Katherine: Oh, Ned, let's use each other. Let's have
sex and eat rich desserts in bed.
Ned: Okay. Are you going to vote your .5% my way?
Katherine: Maybe, depends how good you are in bed.
At the Q Mansion.
Weeks later Katherine lurks in the Hall.
A.J.: (in the parlor) Dad, I've got the evidence that proves
you murdered Ray Conway.
Alan: You do? THE EVIDENCE THAT PROVES I KILLED SOMEONE.
Monica: Where are you keeping the evidence, Son?
A.J.: Where no one would think to find it, locked in my desk drawer at the Port Charles Hotel.
Monica: IN YOUR DESK? AT THE HOTEL? Is it safe there?
A.J.: Of course, as safe as the Quartermaine fortune.
Katherine: (laughs softly to herself) Bwahahahaha. This
is the opportunity I've been waiting for.
She steals the evidence.
Ned's Office.
Katherine: Ned, marry me.
Ned: Not on your life. I'll sleep with you though, in the name of better office relations.
Katherine: Not good enough, Weasel-boy. I want the Quartermaine name, or Ashton, or whatever.
Ned: Like that's something to aspire to? No, I'm not in love with you, Katherine, and I won't marry you.
Katherine: That's what you think. Bwahahaha.
The Q Parlor
Katherine: Edward, I want your grandson's hand in marriage.
And you're going to give it to me, or else!
Edward: Or else what?
Katherine: Or I'll tell everyone that a member of your family committed a murder.
Edward: You'll have to be more specific; male or female? Vegetable or mineral?
Katherine: Alan.
Edward: You'll still have to be more specific. What year?
Katherine: He killed Ray Conway, and I've got the evidence to prove it. Bwahahahaha. Give me Ned and Deception, or else!
Katherine's Marbleized Apartment
Ned: Here's a big ring for you, Katherine, but now don't
go getting it appraised.
Katherine: Oh, Nedling, you've asked me to marry you. It's almost as good as a grocery store gift certificate.
Damian's Hotel Room.
Katherine: Damian, I'm marrying Ned today. Not that I don't
like you, but I want to marry a rich millionaire
whose father wasn't a criminal.
Damian: Shows how much you know about the Quartermaine family tree.
Katherine: Now I'll be respectable. All of Port Charles will be at my feet. Reginald will be at my command. This is sooooo good.
Damian: Kath, don't you remember all the good times we used to have? The Billionaire we bilked in Boston. The Can-Can con in Cannes? The strawberry tart in the sleeping bag?
Katherine: Yes, I do. Let's make love for old times sake. Now, don't mess up the wedding dress.
The Wedding at the Q Mansion.
Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Ned: More or less.
Preacher: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Katherine: Yes, yes, yes. I'm a Quartermaine!
Ned: Ashton, my name is Ashton.
Katherine: Close enough, Weasel-boy. Bwahahahaha.
True Love plays. They dance. The family gets sloshed and barely manages to hold down their cookies, as do discerning members of the audience.
The Q Driveway
Katherine: (beeps horn) Here I am Quartermaines, ready to
move into the east wing.
Alan: Joy, rapture. It's like Tracy all over again.
Monica: Worse.
Katherine: Why don't you love me? Haven't I blackmailed my way into your hearts? Reginald, get my bags.
Monica: You're a Quartermaine now, try and show a little class, you white trailer trash.
Katherine: Well, humph, Reginald, park the car.
Reginald: (under his breath) Just keep it up, babe.
Deception
Katherine: Lucy, bow to me. Do as I say or you'll be
out on the streets. Go into your little
closet of an office and I shall take credit
for all your creative ideas.
Lucy: Bite me.
Katherine: (ignoring her) Brenda, I'm thinking of replacing you with a blonde bimbo, because I don't want anyone more intelligent than me around here.
Brenda: Amoeba can't model.
Katherine: Well, if I can run a company, they can model.
Ned: You can't fire Brenda, she knows all my nasty little secrets and is an asset to the company.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again. Okay, but I'm still going to be mean to Lucy.
Ned: Your call.
The Q Mansion
Katherine: Bring back my shoe, Annabelle. Damn you, the
whole family is against me. (Throws shoe.)
Reginald: Leave that dog alone!
Annabelle races into Lila's loving arms.
Lila: What is going on?
Katherine: She stole my shoe.
Reginald: She struck Annabelle!
Lila: Katherine, you white-trash, you'll regret the day you ever messed with the Quartermaines.
Katherine: Oh, yeah. (She huffs out.)
Lila: About time we called an exterminator, isn't it, Reggie?
Reginald: Oh, yes, ma'am, I take your meaning. *wink*
A bedroom in the East Wing of The Quartermaine Mansion
Katherine lies awake in bed waiting for Ned to come home,
her pout gradually changing into a feral snarl. Ned sneaks
into the darkened room and begins to undress. Katherine
snaps on the light.
Katherine: Where have you been, Nedling?!
Ned: At the office?
Katherine: 'Til four in the morning?
Ned: Would you believe I had to fix a leak at the plant?
Katherine: No, I think it's much more likely that you're having an affair.
Ned: Why would you think that?
Katherine: You disappear for days, come home late, have flecks of fingernail polish in your hair, and can't make love to me more than five or six times a day.
Ned: That last could be because you're an insatiatble blonde machine whose draining the life out of me.
Katherine: You can fool around, but I'm your wife, and don't you forget it or I'll make your life a living hell!
Ned: Too late.
The Q Parlor
Katherine: Ned, it's very nice having this big house,
running Deception, terrorizing the family,
having the Quartermaine name....
Ned: Ashton, the name is Ashton.
Katherine: But what I'd really like is a Birthday Party, a Biiiiig Birthday Party, and everyone in town has to come.
Ned: But everyone in town hates you.
Katherine: They have to like me now that I'm a Quartermaine.
Ned: Ashton, the name is Ashton. Dad was a Lord, you know.
Katherine: And I want it at the Outback, so Mac can see me in whatever slinky gown I choose to wear. And I want a tacky champagne fountain, and a biiiig cake.
Ned: And I'll get you a biiiig surprise for the occasion.
The Outback - Katherine's Birthday Party.
Steve Hardy: You Quartermaine's must love Katherine a lot
to throw her this party.
Lila: I despise the woman.
Edward: She means that in the nicest way, of course.
~
Katherine: This is such a great party, Mac. The Champagne
Fountain hasn't clogged up once. Though,
everyone could be a little bit nicer to me. Why
aren't they fawning? Why aren't they begging to
be my friends?
Mac: Probably waiting to see if you're still standing at the end of the evening.
Katherine: What?!
Mac: Well, this is how "Murder She Wrote" episodes usually start. Most hated person in town throws a party. Shouldn't you be out there antagonizing individuals so that plenty of people have a motive.
Katherine: Shut up and give me another three-olive martini.
~
Mac: Hey, look, someone's sent Katherine a really biiiiig
cake. Let's wheel it on in.
Out of the cake pops a very fetchingly dressed Lois.
Lois: Happy birthday, Mrs. Ashton, from the other Mrs.
Ashton.
Katherine: What, is this some kind of joke.
Lois: The only joke is Nedly's idea of marriage. Here's our Marriage license. I came first, so mine's legal and your's isn't.
Katherine: Ned, is this true?
Ned: Yes, and what's more there's not a blessed thing you can do about it because I hired Mac to get the goods on you and if you accuse me of bigamy, I'll tell Joe Blow you embezzled from him and sold his software to Damian.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again. Now I won't be a Quartermaine anymore.
Ned: Ashton, the name is Ashton!
September 1994
The Local Jewelers
Katherine: Hello, I'd like to get my ring appraised. Here
you go. It's worth mucho dinero.
Jeweler: Two Fifty.
Katherine: Two hundred and fifty thousand?!
Jeweler: Two dollars and fifty.... cents.
Katherine: For a real diamond ring; boy, has the bottom fallen out of that market.
Jeweler: It's fake.. you know, simulated... counterfeit, fraudulent.
Katherine: What exactly are you trying to say?
Jeweler: false, an imitation, pretend, forged, bogus, a sham.... as phony as a stud mule.
Katherine: You mean Weasel-boy gave me a cubic zirconium?
Jeweler: Glass, cheap glass.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again.
At General Hospital
Katherine: Hi, my good, wonderful friend, Damian who I value
greatly, despite the fact that you're in the
hospital with a broken back.
Damian: Uh, oh, if you're being nice to me, it must mean you've lost every other friend in the world. What happened.
Katherine: I guess Amy, the walking internet, hasn't been in to see you. Ned committed bigamy and then had the nerve to blackmail me into keeping quiet about it.
Damian: Shame on him.
Katherine: You're not sympathetic enough. If I go down you go with me, chum. Ned's got evidence about the software I sold to you.
Damian: They're bluffing. Buck up, never say die, we'll get along. Get out there and give 'em hell, Kath. You've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. And that's all the cliches I can manage in such pain. Enough to go on?
Katherine: Yes, I won't let those darned old Quartermaines get the best of me.
Damian: Sure, fine, hand me my pain medication.
At The Quartermaine Mansion
Katherine: Well, Quartermaine's you won't be rid of me that
easily. I'm going to do something, yeah
something terrible, if Ned doesn't divorce
Miss Fingernails and really marry me this time.
Lois: Stuff it, sister! I'm not divorcing Weasel-boy. I won't give you or him the satisfaction.
Katherine: Oh, yeah! Reggie! Get me my martini!
Reginald: Three olives and a little strychnine, Miss Bell.
Katherine: Yes, exactly the way Mac makes them. You Quartermaines don't scare me. I'll tell all your secrets. The Conway Murder, Ned's bigamy, Lila using hormones in the rose fertilizer.
She gulps down the martini. It has no effect. Reg makes a gesture
of frustration.
Reginald: Mini-quiche, Ms. Bell?
He offers her the tray.
Katherine: Yes, thank you, all I can stuff in my mouth, thank you. I'll get all of you! I'll make you all pay for not being nice to me. I'll get you and your little dog Annabelle, too. Bwahahahaha.
Quartermaines: *Yawn*
Katherine: Humph! I'm going upstairs to get the jewelry box which I inexplicably, given my greedy acquisitiveness, left behind.
She trounces up the stairs.
Katherine: I hate you, I hate you all!! Ooooog!
She faints, tumbles ass over teakettle down the stairs and
smacks her head on the steps.
Lila: How convenient, I had the maid polish those steps today.
The Hospital
Comakaty, the Voiceover Chick, comes into being.
ComaKaty: Where... where am I? Why can't I see anything?
Why do I smell Jello? Why do I get this echo effect?
Doc Tony: She's pretty much a vegetable, Amy. Not much brain activity.
Amy: Compared to what? She didn't just smack her head, did she?
Tony: Someone poisoned her. Must be a long list of suspects.
Amy:Yeh, didn't she just have a birthday party?
They leave, Ned enters.
Ned: Well, can't say I'm sorry to see you like this. It
couldn't have happened to a better fake wife.
ComaKaty: Did you do it? Did you try to murder me? You can't hear me can you, Ned? Echo, echo, echo. Cool, this is better than the Grand Canyon.
Ned leaves, Lila enters.
LILA: Well, I can't say I'm at all sorry to see you like
this. It couldn't have happened to a better fake
grand-daughter in-law.
ComaKaty: Lila? Oh, no! Where are the cops? Why are they letting in all these would be murderers, who might possibly pop my IV?
Lila leaves, Damian enters.
Damian: Look at us Katherine, both confined to bed and we
can't even take advantage of it. Now, I wouldn't
say this if you were conscious and I wasn't on
painkillers, but, I love you.
ComaKaty: And I love you, Damain. No one else understands me when I'm unconscious.
Lucy enters.
Lucy: Hi, you two, my least favorite people. How wonderful
that you, Damian, have lost all your ELQ shares, and
you, Katherine are more of a vegetable than usual.
ComaKaty: Get out!
Damian: Get Out!
Lucy leaves.
ComaKaty: I love it when we're in synch.
At The Hospital
Lois: It's too bad you never knew the good side of Nedly.
His singing, the way he eats cold pasta, the leather
pants....
ComaKaty: Get out of here, you little cow.
Lois: ...his affinity for crustaceans.... But you never truly knew him because you're a sad, sad human being.
ComaKaty: Eat dirt and die.
Lois: Well, I guess, now you're a sad, sad vegetable. Ain't life funny?
Katherine: (Rising from her coma) Who are you calling a vegetable, banana brain?
Lois: Oh, my gawd. It's just like Frankenstein. I'll get nurse Amy.
Katy's Hospital Room
Sean: So, any idea who poisoned you, Katherine?
Damian: She has no idea.
Katherine: I have no idea.
Sean: Well, I assure you, I'll pursue this with my usual diligence and attention to detail.
Damian: Oh, good, should take about the same amount of time as the Bradley Ward Case.
Katherine: Don't bother about it. I'm just glad to be alive, and I'm willing to for... for... What's that word again, sweeheart?
Damian: Forgive.
Katherine: Yes, I'm willing to forgive whichever one of the Q's tried to off me.
Sean: Cool, but if you don't mind I'll go out and grille a few unlikely suspects. (One of which was Lucy, eliciting the classic how-I-wish-Katy-Bell-to-die fantasies.)
Katherine's Apartment
Damian: Isn't life wonderful? We're both out of the
hospital and the possiblities for revenge are boundless.
Katherine: Yes, have some more strawberries.
ring, ring
Katherine: It's for you, dear. Don't be long, honey, the the tofu fondue is almost ready and this bridle is beginning to chafe.
Damian: Hello, and make it quick.
Cusak: It's me Cusak, your Dad's scuzzy lawyer. He's dead and Luke Spencer done him in.
Damian: Done him in?
Katherine: It's the new small talk. It means to kill someone.
Cusak: If you're interested, the corpse is in Puerto Rico. Jennifer said he could rot.
Damian: I'll fly out today. (hangs up)
Katherine: Does this mean you inheirit all his money and power, babycakes?
Damian: Would you love me more if it did?
Katherine: I'd love Jeffrey Dahmer if he had that much money. Tighten my cinch, dear.
Puerto Rico Hotel
Katherine: Isn't that Lucy over there, picking things up
off the floor.
Damian: It certainly is, I'd recognized that....(Katherine elbows him in the stomach)... umphhh...anywhere.
Katherine: Let's go terrorize her.
They walk over. Lucy gets up, clutching pills and
bandages.
Lucy: Aaaagh! Nice to see you two vipers. Port Charles
run out of children to steal lollipops from.
Damian: I happen to be here to claim my father's body.
Lucy: Eeeewh. Well, yes, how terrible. All my sympathy Damian.
Damian: I'm underwhelmed.
Katherine: What's all that stuff you have there, Lucy?
Lucy: Oh, this... this is just a few medical supplies.
Damian: For....?
Lucy: Ahh.... a wounded seagull. That's it. He flew right in my window and bang!.... right into the bathroom mirror. And of course I had to take care of him...it, whatever. And you know I bond so well with birds.
Damian and Katherine's eyes begin to glaze over.
Damian: We believe you, Lucy, only stop talking.
Sean's Office
Katherine: Remember me, Java-man? September's victim of
the month?
Sean: Oh, hi. I'm happy to say that the expected progress on your case has been made... that is to say, none.
Katherine: Well, that's not good enough. I want the no-good piece of intestinal slime who tried to poison me, locked up in a dungeon twelve miles down and compelled to associate with plague ridden rats.
Sean: What happened to forgive and forget?
Katherine: That was the drugs talking. Now I want to see justice done.
Sean: What would you suggest?
Katherine: Oh, I don't know; questioning the suspects, looking for evidence, that sort of thing.
Sean: Hmmm...What a novel approach. I never thought of that. I'll give it a shot.
The Police Station - The Interrogation Room
Garcia: Katherine, we found the drugs used to poison you
hidden in your apartment. Can you explain that?
Katherine: No, I can't even program my VCR. But that's not important right now. Somebody must have planted that evidence. It was one of those no-good Quartermaines. I'll bet it was that despicable sewer rat, A.J..
Damian: Hey, watch it! Some of my best friends are sewer rats.
Katherine: What are you going to do about it?
Garcia: Obviously you've mistaken us for people who care. As far as were concerned this evidence is just a great excuse to drop this case like a hot jalapeno.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again.
The Outback
Katherine: (drenched from the rain) I cannot believe this.
First Damian stands me up, and then this
disgusting young couple gets in MY cab. Port
Charles is out to get me!
Mac: Well, if you quell the paranoia for a few minutes, I'll give you a ride. I'm goin' that way.
Katherine: Oh, Mac, I didn't know you cared.
Mac: I don't. You just would not believe how bored I am.
Katherine: No, I know it's because you secretly desire to spend every waking moment with me.
Mac: Yeah, right. Get in the car.
They run through the rain to the car, which they don't
realize is occupied by an amorous Kevin and Lucy.
Katherine: The rain is so invigorating. I haven't had
this much fun in ages.
Mac: You don't get out much, do you?
Katherine: Oh, you. I had to get used to the rain, because I was so underprivileged. People always hated me. They always persecuted me.
Mac: I thought I told you to leave the Paranoia at the bar.
Katherine: Okay, let's talk about how much I hate Lucy.
Mac: Why? You two are so much alike. You're both beautiful women who get what you want.
Katherine: She is soooo tacky. Those dresses she wears, like a streetwalker.
Mac: I like it.
Katherine: I'll bet. Speaking of people we hate. How come you don't not like Kevin anymore.
Mac: Oh, he's really an okay guy for a pompous, overeducated jerk.
Katherine: Well, here we are at my hotel. It was a lovely chat. We really must do it again sometime... preferably in my bed with a McDonald's Happy Meal.
Mac: Is that what the kids' are calling it now-a-days.
The Outback
Ned's Debut as Eddie in Port Charles.
Katherine: Hi, Lois. That was very sweet of Weasel-boy
to sing you that song, but just remember he
was sleeping with me at the same time he was
sleeping with you and he's probably sleeping
with the PCU cheerleaders now.
Lois: Doesn't sound like he has anytime to do any "sleeping" at all. Move out of my way, Blondie.
Katherine: (Grabs Lois' arm) Oh, no you don't. I'm not done being catty yet.
Lois: Yes, you are sister. (*POW* )
Lois punches Katy Bell's lights out. There is much rejoicing.
The Court Room.
Katherine: Judge, she hit me. Right out in public, for no
reason at all, she hauled off and belted me.
Make her pay me a million dollars and go to jail
for the rest of her life.
Judge: Well, what's the defendant's side of the story.
Justus: Well, Judge, Katherine's a slut. The altercation occurred because that blonde bimbo was sleeping with my virtuous client's husband.
Judge: Is this true? Are you a slut?
Katherine: Let's not bicker about who slept with who. She hit me, now make her pay for it.
Judge: Did you sleep with her husband, young lady?
Katherine: What difference does that make?
Judge: Well, if you can't see what difference that makes, then you lose. Case dismissed.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again.
The Outback, or Lukes, or the Grille
Scene A
Katherine: I hate everyone in this town. How do we get
back at all of these.... these.....
Damian: Vermin, scum, miscreants?
Katherine: Yes, them.
Damian: Yes, well, I have a brilliant plan which I'll tell you during the commercial break.
This scene may be inserted anywhere in the tale. And don't worry Damian's plan wasn't brilliant, quite the contrary.
Port Charles Hotel - Damian's Hotel Room
Katherine: I've just called the BWC
Damian: Bifocal Werewolves Committee?
Katherine: No, Beauty Without Cruelty. Bwaahahahaha. They're some animal rights activists and I told them that Lucy experiments on innocent little bunny wabbits.
Damian: That's nice, dear. Now go out and play.
PC Hotel Lobby
Chiara: Lucy Coe, your company kills innocent little forest
creatures. Shame on you. Eat dirt and die.
Lucy: Who are you people? Where did you come from? Of course I don't experiment with sweet little bunnies. I love animals. I've got Sigmund as a character witness.
Chiara: We don't believe you, and we're going to stop your evil practices.
Katherine: (from behind potted plant) Bwahahahahah!
A.J.: Hey, can I help you out, Lucy?
Lucy: Get rid of these people!
A.J.: Consider it done. Hey, Chiara. That's a lovely name. Go out to dinner with me and I'll show you all the facts and figures you need to see, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Chiara: The hell with bunnies.
Katherine: (from behind potted plant) Curses, foiled again!
Damian's Hotel Room
Valentine's Day
Katherine: I got you a present, sugar lumps.
Damian: I got you a present, too, snoogyoogums.
Katherine: Give it to me!!! (grabs it out of his hands. She opens it up.)
Katherine: It's a briefcase, how... romantic?
Damian: Look inside, there's more.
Katherine: Oooooooh. It's a hidden tape recorder, so I can blackmail still more of Port Charles' citizens.
Damian: Now, let's see what you got me.(He opens it.) Oh, it's a letter opener.
Katherine: It's also a dagger. Now, no one will ever suspect that you have a deadly weapon on your desk, or you could... eat with it.
Damian: You're so wicked. I love that.
Katherine: You're so evil. I love that.
The Outback
Scene B - Insertable Mac
Katherine: Get me a martini, Mac. Three olives.
Mac: Rough day?
Katherine: Everyone in this town is so nasty, except you, Mac, you're just a bit grumpy.
Mac: No, that's sexual frustration.
Katherine: Well, you need to have more fun. You should loosen up and enjoy yourself. Try evil laughter.
Mac: No, it doesn't work on me. You're not doing so great yourself.
Katherine: That's because everyone is mean to me and by the way I hate Lucy.
Mac: Maybe if you were nice to people they'd be nice back at you.
She considers it.
Katherine: Naaaaah.
Mac: Just an idea. How come you always have three olives in your martini?
Katherine: A bartender once told me it was good luck.
Mac: Humph. For the bartender, it means he has to put in less alcohol.
Katherine: You're so cynical.
Mac: It comes from hanging out with women like you.
Insert Scene A here
Damian: This time I've really got it. We'll hire a sleazy accountant and mess up the Quartermaine's bookkeeping.
Katherine: Oh, that's so wonderfully evil. I am in awe of your wickedness.
Damian: Thanks, take it from here.
Katherine: Okay, this is what we do. We get A.J. to apply for a matching grant for the Charles Street Foundation... but listen to this, here's the good part... we convince him to inflate his figures, estimating more than market value and then the government will catch them and make them pay it back and it'll be really bad publicity and they'll never be able to hold their heads up in this town again. Bwahahahahaha!
Damian: Oh, yeah, that'll teach 'em.
The Charles Street Foundation.
Katherine: Hi, A.J.. Why don't you hire me to do publicity
for the Charles Street Foundation?
A.J.: I wouldn't hire you to catch mice, even though you're probably pretty good at it.
Katherine: We're two of a kind A.J.. I want to see you succeed, so I'm going to give you a tip.
A.J.: More likely the shaft.
Katherine: I've got this friend in the government, who gives money to silly things like this. Here's his number.
A.J.: Thanks, now scram.
Katherine: Oh, and when you fill out the forms, don't forget to ask for all the money you can possibly get, so the wonderful residents of this quaint part of town, get everything they're entitled to.
A.J.: Of course, I'm a Quartermaine, aren't I?
Katherine: You certainly are. Bwahahahahaha.
Damian's Hotel Room
Katherine walks in to find Lucy thanking Damian for his
part in her rescue from Joe Scummy.
Katherine: *hiss* *spit* *meow* What is she doing here?!
Damian: She was just saying thank you, for my saving her life and I was just saying you're welcome.
Katherine: Well, I don't like it a bit. Doing something nice; what could you be thinking? You must want to sleep with her.
Damian: That goes without saying, but so far she's not that grateful.
Lucy: Ewww, yuck. You're both sick little puppies. She leaves.
Katherine: You're not getting any tonight.
Damian: Fine by me. Jealousy is so boring.
Damian's Hotel Room
Watching TV
Katherine: I've got A.J. right where I want him. Bwahahaha.
The whole Quartermaine family is going to suffer
from bad publicity. I've got them.....
Damian: Shhhh. Be quiet! I want to listen to this phone psychic commercial.
Katherine: Why, is Scott on?
Damian: Hmmm? No, I have an idea, a wonderful, evil, grinchy idea.
Katherine: For vengeance on whom, in particular?
Damian: Lucy!
Katherine: I don't like it. All your revenge plans for her seem to lead towards getting her in bed. Can't you plot revenge against me every once in a while?
Damian: No, I have a headache.
Katherine's Apartment
Damian: I've gone to see Madame Maia and she's agreed to
help me ruin Lucy's life by breaking up her and
Kevin. Now I need your help.
Katherine: Blow it out your ear, Rat-boy.
Damian: You mean you won't do publicity for my phony psychic.
Katherine: No, and you're not getting any tonight either.
The Outback
Damian: I've agreed to underwrite the Nurses' Ball.
Katherine: What?! So you can be close to little Miss Lucy.
Damian: It's all part of my plan, my pet.
Katherine: Yeah, right.
Lucy: I've agreed to take your money, but keep your paws off me, Rat-boy.
Damian: I love a challenge. Here's fifty-thousand and dance and sing with me at the Ball.
Lucy: Drop dead... is that cash?
Damian: Small, unmarked bills.
Lucy: Alright, but I won't enjoy it. She leaves. Katherine: Mac, get me another martini... four olives!
The PC Grille
Katherine: on the phone, fake southern accent This is
Mrs. Caddywampus, I'm a friend of Lila
Quartermaine, and I want to buy two tables for
the Nurses' Ball.
Jon Hanley: Sure, I'm not used to people trying to cheat charities out of money, so I'll take your word for it.
Katherine: Wonderful. (hangs up) Bwahahahahaha. (Picks up the phone again.) I want to order a thousand orchids and a ton of caviar for the nurses ball... The name? Coe, Lucy Coe, C.O.E....that's right.
The Nurses' Ball
Katherine: (*bwap*) Stop looking at Lucy, Damian.
Damian: How can I help it, sugar, she's in the middle of the
stage.
*Bwap*
Lucy: I believe this is our dance, bought and paid for,
Damian.
Damian: (*drool*) Yes, I believe it is. Later, Kath.
Katherine fumes, gets up and runs into Mac.
Mac: Alone tonight?
Katherine: At the moment. And you're alone, of course.
Mac: As usual. Nice bumping into you.
Katherine: Very. Maybe I'll come over to your table later. Mac: I'll look forward to it.
~
Damian leaves to Sing with Lucy. Katherine goes over to
Mac's table.
Katherine: Damian is singing with Lucy.
Mac: I didn't know Lucy could sing.
Katherine: She can't. She has no talent.
Mac: Well, she's put on two successful balls.
Katherine: We'll just see about that. Bwahahahahaha.
Lucy: Anything you can do I can do better.
Damian: I can do anything better than you.
Katherine: I want you both dead! Dead, do you hear me?
~
Lucy: We haven't raised enough money to beat last year's figures, so I'm selling the clothes off my back. What do I hear for this glove?
Sonny buys a glove.
Lucy: What do I hear for the second glove?
Damian: One hundred!
*bwap*
Sonny: One fifty.
Damian: Two hundred.
*Bwap*
Lucy: Sold!
Katherine: Curses, foiled again!
Lucy sells the rest of her clothing. Katy fumes.
~
Backstage
Katherine: Why don't you two go to a hotel room and get
it out of your systems?
Lucy: She's your problem, Damian. I've got enough of my own.
Katherine: Don't you walk away while I'm talking to you.
*bwap* Lucy is flung out on the stage in her "knickers".
Now a Nurses' Ball tradition. She's a big hit.
Katherine: Curses, foiled again!
Damian continued his campaign, with not-so-phony psychic Maia, to woo Lucy away from Kevin. Though Lucy was taken with Maia and her own awakening psychic powers, she still considered Damian just this side of pond scum. Kevin though, was just this side of hysterical over Lucy's newest obsession. He was determined to prove Madam Maia a fraud. For some odd reason, Kevin and Mac decided that dressing up as women was the best way to do it. They failed and it was awhile before Lucy forgave Kevin, and the closest Damian got to her was business talks in her hotel room. Meanwhile Katherine got extremely bored and turned her attention to the new flavor of the month.
The Outback
Katherine is seated at the bar, wearing a trenchcoat, and sipping
a martini. She looks at her watch.
Katherine: As usual Damian has stood me up.
Mac: Too bad. He's a fool, leaving a living breathing woman like you to fend for herself.
Katherine: He is, isn't he? But maybe you could keep me occupied, while he's busy chasing Lucy.
Mac: No way. I'm not into sharing. I want exclusive cave-man like rights to any woman I go out with and even some I don't.
Katherine: You have to learn how to have fun and be spontaneous Mac. Like me.
She stands up and opens her coat. She's wearing nothing underneath and Mac gets an eyeful. Then she closes it and leaves. A stunned Mac is unable to finish polishing the glass in his hand. Kevin walks in, totally oblivious.
Kevin: What's up?
Mac is unable to answer as he considers,"taking the plunge."
The Outback
Mac: Katherine why don't you lose Damian and just be
my girl?
Katherine hesitates as she weighs Damian's money and influence
on the one hand and Mac's owning a restaurant. Her true love
wins out.
Katherine: I want to leave Damian, and I will... it's
just that I'm so scared of him. Yes, that's it. I'm scared of
him what with his connections to Sonny's scary old Nice Mob.
Mac: You don't think he'd hurt you do you?
He is suddenly concerned and begins putting on his shining
armor. Katherine has used the correct tactic.
Katherine:Yes, of course, I'm terrified. Damian could see to it that I'm sleeping with the fishes.
Mac: That settles it. Dump the guy and bring me some evidence of his mob activities and I'll keep you safe and have sex with you. Does that sound fair?
Katherine: Ummm... let me think about it some more. In the meantime we can date.
Katherine's apartment
She has invited Mac over to cook and share food. She eagerly
awaits his arrival.
*ding*dong*
Katherine: Coming sweetheart.
Damian: (From the other side of the door) I can't wait, snoogums. How did you know it was me?
Katherine is horrified, and not yet ready to tell Damian it's
over. She lets him in.
Katherine: Well, who else would be at my door at this time
of night.
Damian: No one, I hope. (He pulls her closer for a romantic embrace) Well I haven't been too successful with Lucy yet, but I know you'll always be there for me Kath.
Sbe squiggles away from him.
Katherine: Yeah, you just keep on believing that, Sweetums.
Maybe we could talk about our deep committment to each other some
other time. Like tomorrow or next week.
Damian: Nonsense. We'll just have a wicked romantic evening. Right here, right now.
One of them sggests a bath in that incredibly nice bathtub of
hers.
Katherine: You go ahead and start without me, Damian, honey,
I have some frozen fried chicken, I have to pop in the oven.
Damian: Okay, but don't be too long, sweetie.
As he starts running the bath, the doorbell rings. Kathy lets
Mac in.
Mac: Hey, I brought the chili-fixins. Can't get more
romantic than that.
Katherine: Well, not in my book. Why don't you take it on in to the kitchen, and I'll be right with you. I've got to change into something less comfortable.
She hurries back to the bathroom where Damian is waiting in
the tub.
Damian: Snoogums, you're not undressed yet. You have to do
that before you get in the bathtub you know.
Katherine: Yes, I was just about to do that. Just wanted to make sure the bubbles were the right thickness. Oh, did I just hear the microwave ding? I'll be right back, hon.
She leaves and locks the bathroom door from the outside. Unaware,
he looks around for a rubber duck. She rejoins Mac in the kitchen.
He's working over a hot stove.
Mac: You're going to love this, Katherine.
Katherine: I'd love boot leather if you put garlic and butter on it.
Mac: Didn't I hear water running?
Katherine: That darn toilet. I better check on it again.
A rather wrinkled Damian gets out of the tub, and finds the
door locked.
Damian: Kath, sweetie. The door is locked. Let me out.
(There's no answer. He jiggles the door.)Katherine, let
me out!
Katherine: Sorry, snookie, the door seems to be stuck. I can't get it open. I'll have to call a locksmith.
Damian: Kath, you know how I hate being in small enclosed spaces.
Katherine: I'm doing everything I can. Just be patient.
She leaves. Back in the kitchen, Mac is spooning the chili into
bowls.
Mac: You know, Felicia loves this recipe. She just won't admit it.
Katherine: I'm sure it's great. Why don't we eat it out on the terrace.
Mac: Okay.
Katherine: Oh, and look how badly the outdoor furniture needs arranging. I can pour the drinks while you do that.
Mac: Okay.
As soon as he's outside Katherine locks the terrace doors. She
hurries back and unlocks the bathroom.
Damian: Finally! How'd you get it open?
Katherine: I read the instuction manual. You know this evening really just is not working out Damian.
Damian: Well, you haven't refused to have sex with me yet, so it could be worse.
Katherine: Well, now it's worse. I'm just not in the mood tonight. Later we'll get together at your place and have hot sex and pastries.
She pushes him out the front door.
Damian: But Kathy...
She closes the door on him and runs to the terrace
Mac: Hey, why'd you do that?
Katherine: It just automatically locked. There must be something wrong with it. Let's dig into that chili now.
The Outback
Katherine: Hello, Nedly, there's something I want to
ask you.
Ned: I'm not in the mood for any ex-wifely by-play Katherine.
Katherine: How did you do it? How did you juggle two wives?
Ned: Well, mostly I neglected the business. But who could blame me. Why do you want to know?
Katherine: Well, I just wanted to say that I really admire you Ned. That kind of thing takes a lot of energy.
Ned: Thanks... I think.
The Outback Again
Mac:Come on Katherine, leave Damian once and for all. I know you're still involved with him.
Katherine: Well, you know it's just that I'm so scared of him. That's all. It's nothing to do with sex or pastries or anything.
Mac: Well, prove it. Bring me the evidence I need to put Damian away, and he'll never get the opportunity to hurt you.
Katherine: Maybe...
Damian walks in and Katherine goes to join him at their regular
table, back by the kitchen.
Damian: Well, that's just fine. Here my plot against Lucy
is a total bust; and then I walk in to find my girlfriend all over
a curly-haired can of spam. I am not a happy camper.
Katherine: Too bad. If you're chasing after little miss Lucy, I've got the right to have a little bacon on the side.
Damian: That's different. I have a good motive; vengeance and evil-doing. I think you want to pretend you're in love with a nice guy again and leave me stranded again.
Katherine: Well, you can't expect to leave me for days on end and not have my attention wander.
Damian: Well, you have my full attention now, and you better not be dumping me, or else.
Katherine: Or else, what Rat boy? You'll have Sonny pelt me with gummi-bears?
Damian: Something like that. You'll be sorry. (He leaves.)
Katherine: You're the one who'll be sorry.
She walks over to the bar.
Katherine: I'll get that evidence for you, Mac.
More to come
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